


When Love and Fate Collide

by overlyobsessedteenblogger



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, Eventual Smut, F/M, Modern AU, Past Sexual Abuse, ex bestfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-12 06:12:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4468301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overlyobsessedteenblogger/pseuds/overlyobsessedteenblogger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy and Clarke were best friends growing up but it was never anything more between them. When one of Bellamy's girlfriends pushes them apart a gap of six years radio silence occurs. </p><p>Is it to late for them to both admit how they really felt about each other? Have too many things happened in the time they were apart to reconcile?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I'm sitting on the train, the same way I do every morning, Bullet For My Valentine's Cries In Vain pounding loudly in my ears when a flash of movement out the window catches my attention. I usually don't look at people for fear of being caught staring but my eyes jump quickly to the movement and my heart flutters for a beat. Its you! The boy turns and I notice quickly with a sinking heart that it couldn't possibly be you, he's too tall and his facial features are all wrong, with a sigh I turn back to looking at my lap. Its been three and half years since I've spoken to you, longer since I've seen you. I probably wouldn't even recognise you if I saw you now. My inner voice scoffs at the lie. There's no way you wouldn't recognise him, it tells me and I can't help but agree. The song in my ears changes and with it my thoughts fly back to our friendship and all the things we promised each other, but you picked her and with that decision our relationship ceased to matter to one half of us, leaving me to feel enough pain for the both of us. If only you had fought for me... I stop the melancholy thoughts refusing to let you ruin another of my days. I've let you keep your hold on me far too long. You with your perfectly curly hair and deep, brown eyes that haunt my dreams. I vow then and there to try and live without hoping to bump into you all the time and waiting for your call or text. I will be free.


	2. Reunited and it feels so weird?

I was four drinks in and definitely feeling the buzz when Raven grabbed my hand begging me to dance with her. "Please Clarke! You never drink with me, this will be my only chance to get you to dance." I groaned in defeat as she started pulling me towards the dance floor,  but it soon turned to a laugh. "Just this once," I giggled. Raven joined in, still pulling on my arm when I suddenly slammed straight into someone. I managed not to topple over, which was quite a feat in my enebreated state. Catching a glance of Raven's shocked face the flirty come back I had ready to tell the stranger in front of me died in my throat. I still hadn't seen the mans face but when he grabbed my upper arms to steady me there was something familiar about his touch. "Clarke?" The stranger said incredulously, "Is that you?" I visibly cringed. I knew that voice. I would know that voice even if I were drowning and they were standing on top of a cliff. It was him. But why was here? How was he here? Raven and I had moved states so this exact scenario could never happen. I still hadn't looked up. Raven gently squeezed my hand as Bellamy slowly shook my shoulders. "Look at me please?" He begged. I took a quick peak up and regretted it immediately. I should have just left, should have told him he had the wrong person, but I had looked and now there was no denying the fast beating of my heart that told me I was happy to see him. Very happy to see him. After what seemed like ages I finally looked him in the eye and spoke. "Hi." I squeezed out. 

"Oh my God! It is you!" He stated, pulling me in for a hug. A hug that was definitely not reciprocated. Raven was watching him with a look of disdain with me still grasping her hand tightly, as if it were a life line. She had been there when he picked Lilly over me. She had seen the countless tear filled nights and the weeks where I was a shell of a person. She was the one that finally pulled me out of my funk and brought me back to life and she was not pleased to have him standing there hugging me. "Where's Lilly?" She sneered and had I not been so shocked at the events unfolding, I probably would have laughed at the sound of disgust she made after speaking. Bellamy stepped back upon hearing her speak and had the audacity to look embarrassed. "That's long over." He said. 

"I didn't really care." She replied, pulling me to her side. "Anyway, we were just leaving." I nodded, confirming her statement and we started to move towards the desk holding our bags and jackets. 

"Wait Princess!" He reached for me and I stiffened. 

"Don't ever call me that again! You lost the right to call me that a long time ago" I snapped. Pulling away from him. Raven had already collected our things and was back at my side. 

"Beat it Bellamy, before there's an incident. You're not wanted here, can't you tell?" He looked crestfallen. 

"Wait, please! Can't I just explain?" 

"There's nothing to explain Bell." The nickname just falling from lips out of habit. He visibly relaxed upon hearing it, thinking it meant something more. "Look you picked her and that's that. Theres nothing else we need to talk about." 

"Picked her? What do you mean? You left first! And it's not like we were dating!" 

"Exactly!" I could feel the tears prick the back of my eyes, damn alcohol. There was no way my tears would fall in front of him. I had cried too many tears over that man. "So there is nothing to talk about." And with that Raven pulled me out the door and hailed a cab.

We'd been sitting in the cab for about five minutes before she finally exploded. "I can't believe him!" She exclaimed. "Why on earth would he think it would be okay to talk to you like that? Ugh! He makes me so mad!" She slouched down in the chair, crossing her arms over her chest. I didn't have the energy to reply to her and she didn't need one anyway, she was just ranting to herself which happened quite a lot. I sat staring out the window watching the lights flash past not feeling much of anything. Fleeting feelings passed but nothing seemed to stick. It was weird, I thought I would be freaking out but I felt oddly calm. He had always had that affect on me and it was starting to annoy me how quickly I had fallen back into old patterns with him. It made me feel like I wasn't in control of myself and that made me angry, but the anger too was fleeting. The calmness he made me feel quickly taking hold again. Raven must have sensed my changing temperament beside her because she sat up straight. "Clarke?" She lightly touched my arm. "Don't let him do this to you, please!" I shrugged in response and the worry in her eyes deepened. I could feel a knot in my stomach getting tighter and tighter. I felt calm and then angry and then calm again, but the whole time I felt like my world had turned the right side up. For so long I had felt like I was off balance, like my world had turned sideways yet I'd stayed straight. And now with one word from him I felt more like myself than I had in a long time and it wasn't right. How dare my body betray what my mind wanted! I don't want to become dependent on him again, I will be worse off than I am now. 

The cab pulled up in front of our house and after paying I quickly got out of the car and into the fresh air. Raven rounded the car, grabbing my hand as we walked towards the house, giving it a slight squeeze before she let go to unlock the door. "It's alright Raven, I'm fine now. No snap-watch necessary." I said, bumping her with my hip as I walked past her to get through the open door.

"You sure? You looked pretty mad in the car." I thought about it. I had been mad in the car, but more at myself then him. 

"I can't really explain it. I guess I was mad at how easily everything inside me changed just seeing his big, stupid head!" Raven giggled at that but then turned serious. 

"What do you mean changed?" 

"I don't know." I replied honestly. "I feel more like myself. I feel balanced. Grounded, if you know what I mean?" She shook her head at me looking worried. 

"I don't like this Clarke. I don't like this one bit." 

"Well here's to hoping we never bump into the asshole again!" I said and Raven laughed at me.

"I'll drink to that!" She said, skipping to the kitchen. Man was I in for it tonight. 

***

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, tasting left over cocktail in my mouth. Damn Raven and her homemade cocktails. Those things were lethal. Piece by piece the night slowly came back, dinner with Raven, drinking at the bar, Bellamy... I groaned, hoping my blankets would swallow me whole so I wouldn't have to acknowledge what my body had been trying to tell me since he touched me. It came last night in the form of anger, but that was just my mind trying to ignore the feelings he rose in me. There was no way I could tell Raven any of this. She'd have a fit if she knew just how excited I was to have seen him. To know that he still could recognise me, even with a new hair colour and hairstyle and a six year gap. My body buzzed in the places he'd touched me, no matter how fleeting it had been. I replayed the conversation over and over again in my mind. I had been so rude, but he deserved it. Didn't he? How could he possibly think that I left first? He told me to go. Told me it was too hard to make her happy with me around and we needed some space. So space I'd given him. Yet when I went to try and communicate with him again I was blocked from everything. He'd even changed his number. How was that me leaving? The confusion mixed with my hangover makes me feel ill and my head starts to swim. Just then Raven knocks on the door. "Clarke? You awake?" 

"Yeah hun." And she swung the door open, looking meekly at me. 

"Hangover cure?" She said and I grinned at her. 

"Don't worry I'm not mad at you!" I laughed. "Even if your cocktails do leave a lethal hangover." She laughed and hopped into bed with me, handing me the mug of steaming tea. It was the only thing I could drink with a hangover. God knows how I was supposed to head to class like this and yet I couldn't lose the hopeful feeling deep inside that maybe, just maybe I might bump into Bellamy again.


	3. Chapter 3

Somehow I manage to drag myself from the warm comfort of my bed and Ravens company to have a shower and get ready for my 2 o'clock class at Mt Weather Community College. Making sure to take time to thank the heavens that it was an afternoon class and not my usual 10 am start. Raven and I both attend Mt Weather, taking different courses of course, while she got her degree in mechanics, I was completing a bridging course so I could attend Ton DC Medical School. Medical school had always been my plan. I can remember sitting with Bellamy in the back of his pick-up truck talking for hours about our futures and medical school was always my constant. I sighed. It was his fault I was completing a bridging course rather than attending Ton DC. I lost my shit when he left and rebelled so hard against anything I'd ever promised him I wouldn't do. We promised we'd get our first tattoos together, so I went and got a watercolor paint brush and pallete on my hip. I promised I'd never go to a bar while I was still underage, so I spent weeks at our local pub just wishing he would turn up and see me. I later came to realise that these were material things that were not going to make a huge impact on him, all they did was hurt me more and dash my chances at Ton DC. I received my acceptance letter while I was on a bender and to spite Bellamy, who had always been so proud of my ambition for Ton DC, I ripped it up and burnt it in the kitchen sink. Again, I later realised that it made no real difference to him and yet I still couldn't bring my self to ring them and accept. Five years later, when I'd finally freed myself from his overpowering presence in my mind, I applied for Ton DC again only to find out that a bridging course was a prerequisite now. Had I accepted their offer the first time I'd be a doctor by now. I sighed again. It's not really his fault. It's mine for allowing him so much power of me. I am stronger now that he's gone because I am able to make my own decisions. My thoughts flitter back to last night and the way I spoke to him. We had argued in the past, like cats and dogs sometimes, but I'd never brushed him off like that. Or walked away without resolving the issue. I smiled, definitely stronger without him. So why did my stomach flip as I was leaving the house at the possibility that he was out there, somewhere in the street? 

***

Class went by in a flash, a lot of the course was things that I had already learnt. After interning at my mothers clinic back home there wasn't really much that I didn't know in the course. I still attended every class though. There was no way I was missing another chance at Ton DC. After class a familiar itch in my hands drew me to my favorite park bench. Art was my release as a child and the habbit carried over to my semi adulthood, if you could call 25 semi adulthood, and this is where I loved to draw the most. So many things happened in this park that were so easily captured by my hands. Grabbing my emergency sketch book and charcoal pencils from the boot of my car, I decided to sit under the shade of the big oak tree. I stretched out, flicking the book to an empty page and unleashed my hands. I drew by instinct, letting my imagination take charge over the drawing. It wasn't till I was adding the soft dusting of freckles that I knew I was drawing him. It happened often when I let my mind wander as I drew. I had sketchbooks full of portraits of Bellamy at home, every one displaying a different emotion on his face. After getting fed up with always drawing his face, I asked a psychiatrist what it meant. She had said that there were obviously unresolved issues in our relationship, but that the drawing was a manifestation of how I felt. Each emotion I had him portray was really how I was feeling inside. Today I drew him with his signature smirk and an expectant look in his eyes. Not understanding how this related to myself I packed away the pencils and book in the boot of the car, ringing Raven at the same time. "Clarke!" She finally answered. 

"Hey you want anything..." I stopped when I could hear some commotion in the background at the other end of the line. 

"Sorry Clarke, I didn't catch that. Jasper and Monty are here!" Of course that's what the noise is. I can hear Raven yelling away from the phone at them to shut the hell up before she makes them leave and I can't help the smile that makes its way onto my face. "What were you saying?" Raven says to me. 

"I wanna know what you guys want for dinner!" I laugh. 

"Oh, well pizza usually subdues these two for a little while. So, pizza?" 

"Sounds like a plan!" I laugh at Jasper asking Raven "what about pizza?" And her telling him "to mind his own business!" 

"Come home soon!" She says to me. "I don't know how much longer I can take these two without strangling them or going insane!" 

"You let them in the house!" I tease. 

"They bribed me with moonshine." And I can hear her shaking her head at herself. "It better be good bloody moonshine." She says angrily before hanging up the phone. 

 

I walk in the door twenty minutes later, three pizzas in hand, to a very sheepish looking Monty and Jasper sitting on the couch. "Hi Clarke." They say quietly in unison.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" I hear a commotion coming from Raven's room and look expectantly at the boys, well men, sitting in front of me. "Spill it, now!" I say putting the pizzas on the coffee table.

"Well you see," says Jasper. "Wick might have accidentally told Bellamy where you live now..." He finishes quietly, looking scared of what I might do. I audibly gulp. 

"Who's down there?" I ask quietly. Please don't be Bellamy, please be Bellamy. I try to quell the excitement bubbling in my veins at the thought that he might have actually come looking for me and Jasper helps to quickly douse the fire.

"Wick is, and from what I've heard he'll be in the dog house for quite some time." I spare a quick glance at the boys, who are looking at me sadly, before heading down the hallway.

"How could you?" I hear Raven yell.

"You didn't see him babe, he was a real mess."

"Do you not remember what Clarke was like?"

"Yeah, but if it was a misunderstanding then wouldn't it be better for both of them to stop feeling pain?" 

"Kyle I swear to god you are so lucky I love you!" I can just imagine her pinching the bridge of her nose while pacing in front of a frantic looking Wick. I knock quietly on the door. "Go away Jasper!" she yells back. I push the door open a little and peer my head round the corner.

"Dinner's ready!" I say. Wick goes bright red from his position on the bed as Raven throws open the door pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so sorry." She mumbles into the crook of my neck, "I don't know what came over the idiot." I laugh and stroke her hair.

"Honestly guys, it's fine." Raven pulls back giving me a weird look. "Seriously, I'm fine with it. He was obviously going to find me sooner or later now that he knows I'm in the city, I was just hoping it would have been after I'd had a chance to figure out whether I wanted to talk to him or not." I say truthfully. Once Bellamy got started on something there was no deterring him, she knew this better than anyone. 

"Are you sure Clarke?" Wick asked, doubtfully.

"Yes Wick, I promise you're not on my shitlist and I'll try really hard to get you off of Ravens." He grins at me relieved as Raven shakes her head.

"You're not getting out of it that easily." She smirks at him. 

"Now come on, or Jasper and Monty will have eaten all the pizza." I laugh as Raven hurries down the hallway.

"You left them unattended with food?" She screams over her shoulder. Wick comes up next to me, throwing an arm around my shoulder.

"Raven would probably kill me for telling you this, but he was a mess this morning when I seen him. Like real bad Clarke." I couldn't help the small amount of satisfaction it gave me to know that he still cared and that he was finally hurting the way I had for years. 


	4. Chapter 4

_"Come on Princess, we're supposed to be having fun!" His signature smirk in place._  
_"But Bell..." I groan for the hundredth time._  
_"No buts Princess. We are doing this!" I sigh and take his hand as he smiles down at me, knowing he would have eventually won this part of the argument, but I still had one card left to play. He pulls me to his truck and opens my door for me._  
_"Why thank you sir." I tease._  
_"A princess should never have to open her own door." Always so quick with a retort this boy. He grins broadly at me, obviously excited, and rounds the car to the driver side._  
_"Couldn't we just go to laser tag or something instead? That would still be fun." I attempt lamely to deter him from his current plan but it's no use._  
_"No way! You said today was my pick and I picked paintballing. Anyway, you made me play those stupid boardgames with you and go bowling!"_  
_"Yeah, but you had fun so it doesn't really matter that it was my pick."_  
_"And you'll have fun with this."_  
_"There's no garuntee Bell. What if you hurt me?" He scoffs and turns to look at me while driving._  
_"Like I'd ever hurt you!"_  
_"Not intentionally." I say and grin at him. He gives me an exasperated look, knowing I'm referring to the one time he accidentally pushed me off the back of his truck and I broke my arm._  
_"How times do I have to apologize for that Princess?"_  
_"Well you could make it up to me by not going paintballing." I smirk at him and he throws his hands up in the air._  
_"Fine!"_  
_"Yay!" I clap my hands together excitedly. "You're the best Bell!" He looks over at me trying and failing to look annoyed._  
_"Only for you Princess." God I have the greatest best friend in the world._

I wake with a start. I have dreamt of Bellamy every night since I saw him, barre the first and that was only because I was to drunk to dream. I smile at my dream. That was a good day. After convincing him not to go paintballing he took me to laser tag instead and I won. Knowing him, he probably let me win but it was still a great day. I sigh, it had been three weeks since I'd seen Bellamy and each morning I hoped that today would be the day he would try and see me. I longed to see him but I wouldn't be the one to make the first move. He said the first goodbye so he could say the first, well second, hello. I lean over the edge of the bed and grab the shoe box from under my bed. Sitting up I open the lid and take out the pictures. Raven would flip if she knew I looked at these nearly everyday. She had fought with me to put them in the trash but I couldn't just throw away years of friendship. I flip through the pictures of Bellamy and I in various poses and stages of our lives; posing at the border on our first trip out of state together, graduating high school together, and tonnes of us just goofing off together. I make my way to my favourite picture. I's always the last one I look at. It was the last picture we took together before he met Lilly. It was just a regular day but for some reason he'd decided to pie me in the face, a very Bellamy decision, which had turned into a full on food fight. Raven had taken the picture half way through the fight. I was standing with Bellamy in a headlock, holding an egg above his head, a huge smile on both of our faces. It was so classically us. I put the pictures back in the box and quickly shove it back under the bed when I hear Raven coming down the hallway. She knocks on the door just as I'm sitting back up. "Come in hun!" She swings the door open holding a package in her hands. 

"Hey, I signed for this for you." She says passing me the package and plonking herself down on the end of the bed. "Did you buy something off Amazon again?" I shake the package and it makes a satisfying rattling sound. 

"Nope! I wonder what it is." I shake the package again. 

"Stop shaking it and open it." 

"Okay, okay!" I tear off the brown paper and open up the plain box underneath. Inside the box sits a little envelope, a plush t-rex teddy and a packet of choc-covered honeycomb pieces. I know immediately who's sent the package and so does Raven. She snatches the envelope out. "Raven wait!" I try snatching the envelope back but she holds it out of reach. 

"No way! I wanna know what the little weasel has to say and why he can't say it in person." She quickly opens the envelope and unfolds the letter inside. "Did he send a fucking essay or what!" I watch her face as she reads, her scowl deepening with each sentence. When she finishes she looks at me in confusion. "I mean you'll probably believe every word but I'm not so sure." She hands me the letter and gets up to leave. She stops at the door and turns to look at me. "Did you seriously think I didn't know about the box of pictures under your bed? Don't bother denying it." She laughs, "I heard you shoving them back this morning." She shuts the door on her way out. I smile with love for my roommate before turning my attention towards the folded letter. Do I really want to read this? Do I care what he has to say? I scoff at myself. Of course I care! I've been waiting three weeks for this, albeit I thought it would be in person. Is it really that bad that he can't say it to my face? Maybe he's going to tell me that we still can't be friends. Can I go through that again? My subconscious shakes her head at me. I put the letter back in the box and close the lid, knowing too well that I will have read it by the end of the day, just not before I've had a cup of tea and grabbed a box of tissues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! just wondering if you prefer littler chapters more frequently or having me combine them for longer chapters say once a week? 
> 
> PS A massive thank you for the love on the story, you have no idea how much it means to me
> 
> Loveyou xox


	5. Chapter 5

_Clarke,_

_I'm not entirely sure what happened the other night or why you ran away from me but hopefully this explains some things from my perspective. The last time I heard from you was over six years ago and I wish I knew why you left but I am assuming it has something to do with me considering you have kept in touch with everyone else from our group. I have no idea what I could have done to push you away enough that you would move states to get away from me, you were everything to me, my best friend in the entire world, my family. I craved to spend every minute with you and you just up and left without so much as a goodbye. I thought it might have been that I had drunk called you and said something horrible, so I gave you space and time to forgive me but you never came back. Why didn't you come back? The other night you said that I picked her, I'm guessing you are referring to Lilly. Clarke there was no comparison with Lilly and you, I would have picked my friendship with you in an instant over any girl I dated, heck I still would!_

_I need you Clarke, and even if you don't need me anymore I think I deserve an explanation on why the one constant in my life left. Please talk to me, or if you can't see me at least reply by mail. I'll be waiting... I'll always be waiting for you..._

_Bellamy._

_PS the t-rex is yours. I found it in my bed after you left and have kept it with me ever since, figured I should return it to its rightful owner. I hope the choc-covered honeycomb pieces are still your favorite. I always thought of you when I saw them in the shop._

 I re-read the letter for the thousandth time, crushing it and the dinosaur to my chest. I need you... you were everything to me... I craved to spend every minute with you... why didn't you come back? The phrases stick out in my mind. Up and left without a goodbye... But he told me to go. I think back to the night I got his message. 

 

It was friday night and I was hanging out at Ravens. "Where's your uglier half?" She questions, "I thought you two were attached at the hip."

 

"Ha ha Raven very funny." I fake glare at her. Actually, come to think of it, I hadn't heard from Bellamy all day which was strange. 

 

"No but seriously where is he? Is he coming with us to the movies?" 

 

"I don't know." I answer truthfully. "I haven't spoken to him all day!"

 

"That's weird! Maybe he is with the leach, you know he doesn't like to talk to you when he is with her." I laugh at Ravens nickname for Bell's girlfriend. Lilly wasn't so bad, she just clung onto him a bit too much. 

 

"Come on now, she's not that bad!"

 

"I don't know how you can say that." She says shaking her head. "Especially with your secret crush on him and all." She grins at me, ducking the pillow I throw at her. 

 

"How many times do I have to tell you, it's not like that between us! We're like brother and sister."

 

"Yeah, brother and sister who give each other the heart eyes and have sleep overs all the time! I totally believe you." 

 

"Ugh! Not again Raven! He just stays over to get away from his stepdad, you know what he's like!"

 

"And you just stay there to what? Protect him from his stepdad?" She winks at me. 

 

"No... I'm not getting into this again Raven!" My phone goes off. Its Bell. 

_Clarke, I'm sorry to do this over message but I couldn't bare to see you upset. I need space from you. It's Lilly she is getting jealous of us and I need to make this work with her. It's just too hard to make her happy with you around. I'm sorry._

_B._

 

 I stare dumbfounded at my phone. Please tell me this isn't happening. Ravens trying to talk to me but I can't hear her over the frantic beats of my heart in my ears. He can't leave! I need him! Raven snatches the phone from my hand and I snap back to reality. "No, give it back Raven! Its personal!" She looks sadly at me and I know she's read it.

 

"Clarke, I'm so sorry! I never thought he'd pick her over you." I stare at her feeling the tears well up in my eyes and fall to the floor sobbing. Raven rushes over and hugs me, I clutch desperately at her arms. 

 

"I need him Raven, I need him!" I sob over and over into her arms until there are no tears left to cry. We sit there together quietly for hours, never saying a word to each other. 

 

I shake my head trying to dislodge the memory. I cried night after night for weeks before I finally tried calling him. The message bank told me that the phone was no longer in service. That had made me cry even more. I smell the dinosaur and sigh at the smell of him. It was exactly how I remembered his smell. It comforted me. I threw it across the room and scrunched up the letter. Bullshit he didn't know what he'd done. I had proof that this was his fault and I was going to refresh his memory. Show him exactly what he'd done to me with one simple text. I flatten the letter and grab my phone. Using the number he had scribbled across the bottom of the letter I text him. 

___Meet me at The Dropship at 8.  
_

_Clarke._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all my lovely readers, I'm sorry its been so long!

I've been sitting in the car for twenty minutes now, staring at his figure hunched over at the bar. I don't know if I can go through with this. I was confident when I was in the confines of my own home but now, actually faced with him, I'm not sure I'm brave enough to say what needs to be said. I clutch my phone tighter in my hands. If I unlocked it, I knew I'd be faced with that devastating text. I don't know why I had kept it. Every time I looked at it, it was like a punch in the stomach, but now I was glad I'd kept it. If only to throw it in his face, along with a drink or two. 

I'm just about to leave when he looks straight at me. I can tell he's known I've been there the whole time and I can't deny the tingle I get when I remember just how well he knows me. He signals the bar tender, eyes still on me, and orders two drinks. I know he's ordered me a diet coke, it was our thing. He doesn't know drinking diet coke makes me physically sick now. He's still looking at me, waiting for me to make the decision. He cocks his head to the side and I know there is no way I'm leaving without talking to him now. I give him a small nod and when he looks away, relief evident in his face, I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I clamber out and lock the doors out of habit, my heart pumping a mile a minute.  I sigh again and crossed the road. He looks up the bell tinkles as I open the door, his face wary but barely hiding the grin threatening to cover his face. He stands when I get close and the sight of the diet cokes makes me smile. I ignore Bellamy and signal the bar tender, "Can I get two shots of tequila please Fox?" Fox smiles at me and then looks to Bellamy. So do I. He's studying my face intently. He gives a slight shake of his head and it sets off my anger. "What?" I snap.   
"Nothing, I just forgot you could drink legally now."  
"Yeah, well six years is a long time you know!" I say, downing my first shot. He shakes his head again and whispers,   
"Believe me, I know." He sips his coke, waiting for me to speak. I think of the speech I had planned on the drive over here. It was calm and collected and told him what he'd done to me was unforgivable and to try and blame me was just low but when I opened my mouth to speak, a slow whine came out followed by a heartbreakingly broken, "I needed you..." It hangs in the air between us. I know he's heard me, but I can't force myself to look at him and still hold back the tears. I hear him sigh, lean over and down my other shot. "That was mine" I mumble softly. He still doesn't say anything, just stands up and turns me in my chair to face him. I tilt my face down so I'm still not looking at him but he guides my head up with forefinger under my chin. I can't hold back the tears anymore, so I launch myself into his arms and sob into his neck. He still doesn't speak, just shooshes me quietly and rubs his hand up and down my back. Once there are no tears left to cry I know the talking part will come, and I know I need that part but I'm too embarrassed to look at Fox behind the bar and too afraid to let Bell go to initiate the conversation. Bell, having always had the uncanny ability to read my mind, whispers softly, "Lets get out of here." And grabs my hand and we leave. He pulls me along to his truck and opens my door. "A princess should never have to open her own doors." He mumbles, sheepishly, and I don't know whether to cry or laugh at the familiarity of the scenario so I just hop straight in. 

We pull up out the front of an apartment complex and assume we must be at his place. "Come on Princess, my roommates not home." I shudder at the nickname.   
"Please don't call me that." I whisper, and he looks at me with pain in his eyes.  
"If that's what you want." He opens his door and before he has a chance to come around and open mine for me, I hop out. I know it will annoy him but I can't just fall back into old patterns, especially when I know they won't stick. I follow him into the complex and to the elevator, careful to keep my distance. No more unnecessary bodily contact, i tell myself just as he tries to grab my hand. I flinch back and he takes it like a slap in the face. Hardening into the Bellamy he is with other people, not my Bellamy. Maybe its easier this way, I tell myself, knowing by the guilt in my stomach that I'm lying. We exit the elevator on the sixth floor and walk down the corridor to room 11B. He unlocks the door and pushes it open, gesturing for me to go first. "First door on the left." He says as I pass. I head straight for the door he points at while he moves towards the kitchen. I push the door open and quietly enter his personal domain. For so long the bedrooms we were given by our parents were shared between us, to the point where we even had sets of drawers with clothes in the other persons room, it was weird to enter a space that was entirely Bellamy's and not Bellamy and Clarke's. I sit down on the bed and look around at the walls. There are band posters haphazardly stuck on the walls and next to his bed my favourite picture of me and him. I pick it up, wondering how he got a copy. I crush it to my chest and lay down in the fetal position facing the wall. I can't bare to look anymore at the life he has without me, however pleased I am to find a picture of me still exists in it. I sense rather than see him come in. I hear him set two glasses down on his desk before he climbs into the bed behind me and I don't pull away when he pulls me closer to him. "I know we need to talk," he whispers into my hair, inhaling my scent, "but can we just sleep for a little while? I haven't had a proper sleep in six years." I don't say yes to him, but when I don't say no he takes that as permission enough. Holding me as tightly as he used after an episode with his stepfather, we both fall asleep within minutes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long time between updates is just been a crazy time in my life right now, plus this story is very personal to me so I have to be in the mood for the emotional rollercoaster it brings me. Thank you for sticking by me! And i hope Bellamy and Clarke's "talk" is what you were all hoping for!

I wake up wrapped in Bellamy Blake, my heart beating a million miles a minute and my anxiety rising rapidly at the weight of his arms holding. I remind myself that it's just Bellamy and there's nothing to fear and the panic lessens. I roll over and peer at his sleeping face. It's exactly the same and yet so different, there are still his chiseled features and soft curls hanging over his eyes, yet he looks harder, meaner somehow even in unconsciousness. I trace my fingers lightly over his cheek. He trembles under my touch, but doesn't wake. I can see the sun rising through his window and know it must be early morning. Raven is going to be pissed that I didn't call and tell her I wasn't coming home, but it just slipped my mind. I wonder how my conversation with Bellamy will go. Maybe we could skip the whole thing and just go back to being friends, I think, but I know neither of us will ever truly get over this without talking. I'm just scared that he'll tell me he still means it. I feel to see if my phone is in my pocket and silently thank myself for not putting it on the bedside table as I came in here yesterday. There are four missed calls from Raven and two messages. 

_Where are you? Are you coming home? It's late!_

_R. Xo_

 And dated two hours later, 

_I swear, if you've had sex with Bellamy Blake we are gonna have serious problems young lady. Call me!_

 I cringe at Raven's message, while typing a response,   


_No sex Raven, don't worry! We're just talking! Gosh! I'll text you later when I'm coming home._

_C. xx_

 There. Not really a lie. We will be talking once he wakes up. I shove my phone back into my back pocket and return my attention to Bellamy's sleeping form. I'd always loved to watch him sleep and hadn't realised how much I'd missed it these last years. His eyelids begin to flutter and I know he's waking up. I give him a small smile when his eyes finally open and he returns it slowly. "Morning Clarke." He says groggy and I'm momentarily surprised that he didn't call me Princess, but then I remember that I asked him not to and my smile falters. Bellamy sits up, untangling himself from me, and the sudden chill I get has nothing to do with the loss of bodily contact. "You want some breakfast Clarke?" He emphasizes my name to show that he's not calling me Princess, and it makes me frown. 

 

"Don't be such a child Bell!" I snap, getting off the bed.

 

"Nope! You're not allowed to call me that!" He snaps back. I swirl around quickly. 

 

"Tit for tat, really? I thought you were more grown up then that! Obviously some things don't change in six years." I start pacing, my anger rising with every step. 

 

"Obviously not, Clarke!" The emphasis on my name again makes me snap. I stalk over and push his chest. 

 

"How." Poke. "Dare." Poke. "You?" He grabs my hand before I can poke him in the chest again. 

 

"Talk to me! Tell me what's wrong!" He pleads, his eyes searching my face. "Come on, Princess, please!" My defenses crumble so I sink down on the bed next to him, my hand still clutched tightly in both of his. "I needed you so much Bell, for so many things and you chose her. You don't understand, I was surrounded by people yet I was so alone, and people were coming up to me left, right and center 'Where's Bellamy?', 'How's Bellamy?', 'Is Bellamy gonna join us tonight?'. Do you know how hard it was to say 'I don't know'? Nope, sorry I don't know where my best friend is cause he told me to leave him alone so he could make his trashy girlfriend happy, who, by the way, was never good enough for you. And once they started realising I wasn't friends with you anymore they stopped calling and texting, then I really was alone. All because of you!" I snatch my hand out of his and angrily swipe away the tears in my eyes. He's staring at me, confusion in his eyes. 

 

"What do you mean I told you to leave me alone? I never said that!" I scoff at him.

 

"I have proof Bellamy!" I open my phone, find the text and shove it in his face. "Clarke, I'm sorry to do this over message but I couldn't bare to see you upset. I need space from you. It's Lilly she is getting jealous of us and I need to make this work with her. It's just too hard to make her happy with you around. I'm sorry. B." I recite the message out loud from memory. Bellamy frowns but other than that doesn't move. After rereading it for the hundredth time he finally looks at me. 

 

"I didn't send this!" He says, in all seriousness.

 

"I don't believe you." I say sadly, turning to face away from him. I wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to hold myself together somehow. He comes around to stand in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders so I can't turn away again. 

 

"I swear to you on my sisters life, I didn't send that message!" I look up at him angrily.

 

"Then who did asshole?" I snap. 

 

"I don't know, but it wasn't me." He says, taking his hands off my shoulders to push them angrily threw his hair. 

 

"Even if you didn't send that message, you didn't come looking for me! You didn't try and contact me and when I finally found the courage to ring you, your phone was disconnected! That was all you!"

 

"I thought you'd finally got sick of me holding you back." He mumbles quietly. 

 

"What?" 

 

"Oh don't pretend you don't know what I mean! Everyone knew you were too good to hang around a loser like me!" 

 

"Bell..." I say sympathetically. "Do you even realize how much people looked up to you in high school? Everybody wanted to know you. Nobody understood why i was so important to you, I never understood why I was so important to you. But you made me feel so secure in our friendship that when you finally left it broke me. It took years for me to have even a semblance of a normal life. You have no idea how much you meant to me. You were the first person who thought I was enough just as I was. I didn't have to try around you, i was safe with you. Loved. And now you're trying to tell me that you let all of this happen because you didn't think i needed you? Me, who couldn't even order my own meal without you, didn't need you anymore! You tell me how that makes sense you jackass!" I wipe away my tears but make no attempt to hide them from him. After all the pain he caused me he deserves to see them. He looks at me with pain and confusion etched on his face.

 

"Clarke, I..." He starts but is cut off by the door being thrown open. 

 

"Dude! You should have seen this chick last night! She was all over me." An obnoxious, male voice gloats. Bellamy grabs my arm and pulls me part way behind him. 

 

"Man, it's not a good time."

 

"Clarke?" Oh god no! It can't be.

 

"Murphy?" I screech. I whirl around to face him but Bellamy restrains me from moving forward with his arms around my shoulders. 

 

"Damn! You got hot Griffin!" I struggle against Bellamy's grip.

 

"Bell! Let go of me so I can bash his ugly, little head in!" 

 

"Aaw come on Clarke! You're not still mad about that, are you? It was high school! Plus i have apologized."

 

"You could never say sorry enough times!" I growl. 

 

"It wasn't even that bad!" He says and I struggle harshly against Bellamy again. 

 

"Dude you did tell the whole school that you'd slept together and that she'd given you chlamydia!" Bellamy interjects, never loosening his grip on me. 

 

"Which would never happen in a million years!" I snap and Murphy presses a hand to his heart. 

 

"You wound me Griffin! And here I thought we were star-crossed lovers." 

 

"God what I wouldn't give to kick you right now!" 

 

"Like I said bro, its really not a good time!" Bellamy says, hinting at Murphy to leave but he's either to stupid to understand or doesn't care as he leans into the door frame. I struggle aimlessly again, wanting nothing more than to wipe the smug grin off his face when something dawns on me. I whip around in Bellamy's arms. "Wait, why is he in your apartment?" 

 

"It's our apartment babe." Murphy says.

 

"What? You live with him!" I exclaim, ignoring Murphys choice of nickname "But you guys hated each other in high school, it was a mutual loathing we shared!" Bellamy gives me a sheepish look. 

 

"Well we kinda sorted shit out after school and became good friends." 

 

"Best friends!" Murphy adds in a lame attempt at a girls voice. 

 

"Who's talking to you?" I snap over my shoulder. 

 

"Dude, even though I know you're stoked to be holding her like that again after all these years, and may I say that I told him to try and contact you, just let her go so she can try and hit me and we can put this behind us." Bellamy gives him a look that says "you sure you know what you're getting yourself into? " and when Murphy nods he lets me go. I walk towards him stopping when I get about ten inches away. Remembering how Bellamy taught me to punch I hit him square in the nose and hear a satisfying crunch. 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

I sit up on the counter in Bellamys kitchen, Bellamy and Murphys kitchen i remind myself. Why would he go and live with a wanker like Murphy. Stupid idiot! I shake my head in disbelief and turn my attention to the two boys standing by the sink. Bellamys holding an ice pack to Murphys nose, a little too gently for my liking, checking to see if I broke it or not. Murphy makes a whimpering sound when Bellamy pokes his nose and a triumphant grin crosses my face. "I tried to warn you dude!" Bellamy says. 

"You didn't tell me it was you that had taught her to punch! I thought it was just gonna be some lame attempt that would get rid of her anger!" Murphy groans and closes his eyes. Bellamy looks over at me, hint of pride in his eyes, and winks at me. I smile broadly back when suddenly an idea strikes me. 

"Hey Murphy, you were friends with Lilly in school right?" Bellamy cocks an eyebrow at me, not understanding where I'm going with this. 

"Yeah, we used to screw. Why?" 

"Ew, not what I meant but nonetheless. What was she like after Bell and I stopped speaking?"

"You don't think?" Bell says, finally catching on to my thoughts. 

"Aah happy i guess? Everyone knew she hated the two of you together!" 

"She liked Clarke!" Bellamy defends half-hearted. 

"Dude! Would you like your boyfriend to call someone that wasn't a child Princess all the time? You two were inseparable and she hated it. How could you not notice?" Bellamy looks taken back by Murphys words, obviously never having thought about it that way. 

"Do you think she would have tried to seperate us?" I ask, already fairly certain of the answer.

"Hell yeah! She did try a couple of times but it always backfired." Murphy replies.

"What do you mean she tried?" Bellamy asks quietly.

"Well she told me, that she told you that Clarke had been saying shit about her to the other girls and that you'd just laughed and said that it was how Clarke showed she liked someone. One other time she'd tried to spread a rumor that you thought Clarke was ugly but no one believed you'd ever say that. There were a few other times but I can't remember what exactly she'd done." Murphy shrugged. Bell looked devastated. 

"Clarke, I'm so sorry!" He dropped the ice pack in the sink and came towards me. "I never meant for you to get caught up in my relationships. You're my sister, I thought people understood that!" Murphy scoffs from behind and Bellamy whirls around to face him. "What?" 

"You can't be in that much denial, surely?" Bell looks between me and Murphy confused. I could tell my face mirrored his when Murphy shook his head at the two of us. "I'm not even going there!" He sighs, pulling himself away from the bench. "You two will figure it out eventually." And with that he leaves the room. Bell's left standing in the middle of the kitchen looking equal parts confused and upset. 

"Princess..." he reaches for me but is once again cut off. This time by my phone. I check the screen. Raven, of course. 

"Hi honey!" I coo into the phone. Bellamy raises an eyebrow at me clearly surprised at my greeting.

"Don't you 'hi honey' me." She says, clearly annoyed. "I was so worried about you. Are you still at that douchebags house?"

"Sorry Rae, I fell asleep before texting you I'd made it safely. And yes I am, why?" 

"Have you slept with him yet?" I blush and turn away from Bellamy. 

"No! Now stop asking that!" I whisper harshly. She let's out a sigh. 

"Good! We have to talk before that happens!" 

"Raven, it's not going to happen." I whine. 

"Keep telling yourself that, buttercup." 

"Raven!" 

"Alright, alright I'll stop! Have you spoken to him about the text yet?" 

"Can we talk about this when I get home?" 

"Why not now?" 

"For one: Bellamy is in the room! And two: Murphy is annoying the shit out of me!" 

"I heard that!" I hear Murphy call from another room as Raven screeches "Murphy?" into the phone. I whimper and pull the phone away from my ear. 

"Apparently that's the response everyone gives." Bellamy mutters and I shoot him a glare. 

"Yes, yes Murphy lives here too. I'll explain later." I placate Raven.

"You better! Or I'll have to torture it out of you and it won't be pretty!" I laugh at her words and can tell she's smiling at the other end of the phone. "So, have you shown him your tattoo?" 

"Your what?" Bellamy sputters. 

"Thanks a lot Raven!" I mutter.

"Sorry!" She whispers back. "I didn't know he could hear me." 

"Neither did I." I shake my head and avoid eye contact with Bellamy. "I better go before he burns a hole into the side of my head." I say and Raven laughs. 

"Text me when you're on your way home!" 

"Will do! Love you." 

"Love you too." She replies and ends the call. I raise my eyes hesitantly to meet Bellamy's. 

"You have a tattoo?" He asks. Murphy pokes his head around the corner. 

"Griffins got a tattoo. This I got to see!"  
"Piss off Murphy!" I say, giving him the finger. He just laughs and pulls his head back round the wall. Bellamy is still looking at me expectantly. "Yes, I have a tattoo! Happy?" 

"Show me!" He demands. I sigh and push past him, heading towards his room. No way I'm showing him in the kitchen where Murphy could walk out at any minute. I mentally curse at myself for wearing my high-waisted jeans because it means I'll have to undo them to show him the stupid tattoo. I walk to the center of his room and wait for him to shut the door before I turn around. "Close your eyes." I say quietly and he obeys immediately. I pop the top button of my jeans and watch as his body subtly changes. His face gets a little softer while he stands a little taller. I fold the bottom of my singlet up so it stops just below my bra and slowly pull down my zipper. Bellamy swallows hard. Have I always had this effect on him? I decide to hell with being awkward around him and shimmy out my jeans all together. Panic rises in my chest but I push it down Bellamy has seen me in my underwear plenty of times. Why should it be any different now? I step away from my jeans, putting me just within his reach. "Promise you won't laugh?" I say quietly and he swallows hard again. 

"I promise!" He says, solemnly.

"Then you can open your eyes." I turn to my side so he can see the tattoo front on. Once his eyes open i can see his sharp intake of breath. "Well? What do you think?" He looks me in the eye and I can see his eyes have darkened several shades. 

"I uh, its um, yeah..." he stutters. He looks down at my hip again and then back up to my eyes. "It's gorgeous!" He says more confidently, while looking straight in my eyes. I had figured out a long time ago that I had loved him. Loved him more than family loves one another. I thought I'd gotten over it but staring into his eyes I knew, there was no getting over Bellamy Blake.


	9. Chapter 9

Bellamy drops to his knees in front of me and this time it was me who audibly swallowed from both anxiety and lust. Very lightly, so that he was barely touching me, he traced the tattoo with his fingers. His touch brought goosebumps to my skin. His head tilted back and he looked at me and smiled tenderly. "Wanna see mine?"  
"Wait you have one too?"  
"Of course! Murphy and I have matching BFF tattoos." He grinned and winked at me, standing up. I couldn't help but laugh with him. "Alright, you close your eyes now." I snapped my eyes shut and drew in a shaky breath. Now i understand why he was reacting so bad. I could feel him standing in front of me. Feel his body heat so close to mine. My breathing started to accelerate when I heard his t-shirt hit the floor. He stepped even closer and I stopped breathing all together. His hands came up to cup my cheeks and i jumped at the charge I felt where his skin touched mine. "Promise not to laugh?" He said quietly, his breath fanning across my face. I nodded and he dropped his hands from my face placing them lightly on my hips instead. "Then open your eyes." I slowly opened my eyes, blinking a few times. My eyes roamed his defined chest and stomach coming to rest on a small scripture tattooed just above his heart. My hand went to trace it on its on accord and he shivered when my fingers made contact. "What does it say?" I ask quietly.  The letters were unfamiliar to me.  
"It says Princess in Greek." He murmurs. He turns his head away and I look up to see a slight pink to his cheeks.  
"It's for me?" I whisper. Talking loudly felt like it would break the moment. He nods his head still turned away from me. I reach up, putting one hand on either side of his face and turn it so he meets my eyes. "It's beautiful!" I whisper, fervently. He shrugs.  
"I just wanted you with me all the time." He says, shrugging again. His eyes blaze in to mine. His grip on my hips gets tighter as he pulls me closer. I drop my hands to his shoulders and he leans closer. Just a little bit closer and his lips will touch mine for the first time. I can feel the anticipation all through my body. Just a little bit closer...  
"Did she show you her tattoo? Where is it?" Murphy says, as he barges into Bellamy's room uninvited for the second time this morning. Bellamy and I jump apart and he quickly pulls me behind him to hide my exposed legs and midriff. Murphy's mouth drops open in shock but is quickly replaced by a smug smirk. "Were you guys about to have sex?" He asks, clearly amused. I groan at him in frustration. "If I hadn't walked in I'm sure you would be making those same sounds right now." He winks at me. I feel my face go bright red. Bellamy reacts quicker than the smart ass comment can make its way out my mouth, pushing Murphy back out the door. Murphy struggles against him, poking his head around Bellamy's body to look at me. I yank my singlet down to cover up my stomach but there's not much I can do about my legs. "God damn Clarke, I'm getting a semi just looking at you!" Murphy groans. Bellamy lets out an angry growl before shoving him more forcefully down the hall. I can hear Murphy down the hall trying to placate Bellamy. "Dude I meant it as a compliment."  
"I don't care! Don't talk about her like that!" Bellamy hisses back.  
"You gonna make a move?"  
"Of course not, it's Clarke for Christ sake!" Tears prick the back of my eyes.  
"Whatever dude! You're totally gonna hit that."  
"Murphy that's gross, she's like a sister!" I don't want to hear anymore. I quickly pull on my jeans and gather up my stuff, heading for the front door. I slam it behind me for good measure but instantly regret it, realising it'll tip him off quicker to my departure. I know I'm right when I hear the apartment door open before I've even made it to the elevator. "Clarke?" Bellamy calls out. "Where are you going Princess?" I can hear him getting closer. "You can't leave yet! I just got you back!" His words bring a fresh wave of anger.  
"I need time Bellamy." I bite out.  
"Time for what?" He's right behind me but he makes no move to touch me and I'm grateful for that.  
"To think."  
"About what?"  
"You." I snap, smashing the button for the elevator again.  
"Don't do this! Don't do this to yourself! I'm not going anywhere! I never went anywhere. I'll always be here for you!" I flip around at him.  
"Well, yeah, you did go away Bell! For six whole years! You can't just come back now and think everything is going to go back to the way it was." I turn back around but he grabs my arm to keep me facing him.  
"For starters I already explained that it wasn't my fault and couldn't you feel that before? Everything was the way it was before!"  
"I was in love with you! I am still in love with you" I scream, the anger boiling over. His face goes blank and there is complete silence. The elevator doors open with a chime. He hasn't moved and I regret telling him immediately. I move backwards into the elevator. "I shouldn't have said that, I have to go. Goodbye Bell." His eyes flash up to and stay on mine as the doors slide shut. I pull my phone out with shaky hands and dial Raven's number. She answers immediately. "Hi honey!"  
"Raven..." and its all I have to say.  
"Tell me the address and I'll be there." She says, and I can hear her picking up her keys and opening the front door.  
"I told him that I love him." I say quietly and I hear her sharp intake of breath.  
"Clarke, where are you?" I get out the elevator and look around for an address.  
"Umm, it's an apartment complex on Indra Street."  
"I'll be there in ten minutes, just hold on."  
"Okay." I hang up and pace back and forth along the sidewalk. I sigh with relief when I see her pull into the carpark and run into her waiting arms.


	10. Chapter 10

A soft knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts of telling Raven about my day with Bellamy. She was surprisingly quiet throughout my recount of events which is what I had been pondering before the knock came. I let out a groggy "come in." The door opens and Ravens head pops around it.   
"There's someone here to see you." She says and I can tell by the look on her face that it's Bellamy. I can't help the sudden rush of adrenaline I feel at the thought of him standing just twenty feet away and it scares me. "Do you want to see them now? Or should I make them come back later?" She asks, emphasis on the 'come back later' part. She obviously doesn't want me to see him yet but I know there is no way I could not see him now that he'd come all this way. I groan and roll over, pushing my face into the pillow. Raven takes that as a invitation inside and I hear the door creak as it widens. "Did he at least bring my mortified soul a cup of tea?" I inquire through the pillow.   
"You honestly don't think I'm that stupid do you?" He says quietly, "And there is no reason to be mortified." I roll back onto my back and sit up, looking for the mug full of tea. I take a long sip before looking at Bellamy. I can feel the tension and anxiety radiating off him in waves. I sigh deeply before I start speaking."You didn't have to come all this way, I understand exactly where you stand on this issue from our discussion yesterday."  
"You're wrong. You don't know anything." On an ordinary day his words would cause an argument but he says them today with no sarcasm or maliciousness that I know he means them in a literal sense.   
"Then explain, please, because when someone tells you they love you and have done for nearly a decade they don't want to be met with silence and blank stares." He looks at me with a torn expression on his face and I already don't want to know what he has to say.   
"I was suprised," he explains quietly. "You don't understand, I loved you too. Back then anyways and maybe I always will, to a degree, but then you went away and I understand now that it wasn't your fault, but it still happened and my feelings for you went away with time." I can feel my heart shattering into tiny little 'B' shaped pieces and the tears start to fall on their own accord. He won't look me in the eye and I know that's because he can't stand to see me cry. At least some things between us haven't changed.   
"Obviously you didn't love me like I loved you, love you, then." I say and he looks at me with pain.  
"Clarke, I'm sorry..."   
"Did you find someone else?"   
"Don't do that to yourself." He pleads.  
"I'll take that as a yes. Is she prettier then me?" He sighs hard.   
"There's no one else Clarke and you know you're the most beautiful person I know."   
"But what about your tattoo, I thought..." I trail off, not wanting to hear the spiel about being his best friend.   
"It helped me get over what you baby to me."   
"Meant. Past tense."   
"Princess please," A sob releases itself from my chest hearing him call me my once adored nickname. He tries to pull me into a hug but I shrug him off.   
"I waited six years for you, never allowing myself to truly be free, and now you're telling me I'm too late?"   
"I waited for you too you know."   
"Not long enough obviously." He looks at me with pain again and its all I can take. "I think you should leave."   
"What? No! I still want to be a part of your life, even if we can't be together like that right now."   
"You can't say things like 'right now' Bellamy! It's not fair to me when you've just told me you don't love me."   
"I'm sorry, it just comes out when I'm around you! I don't know how I'll feel in the future all I know is right now I don't want to lose you." My heart shatters even more than I thought possible.  
"I'm yours Bellamy. I probably will always be, but it is painstakingly obvious that you are not mine and I don't know how I could ever be around you knowing you're not mine. It's too hard. So I'll ask you again nicely, please leave. You've done enough damage to my heart to last me a lifetime."   
"Clarke, please! Just give me some time to sort my head out before you cut me off again."   
"Again? Again?" My voice rises an octave with anger. "Do you not listen? It was your fault! You left me and I've been trying to hold myself together for years, pretty poorly I might add, only to be told once you come storming back into my life that you don't care about me the same way. Why didn't you just leave me alone? You knew the moment you saw me that things couldn't go back. So why chase me? Why ruin me again?" Having heard my shouting Raven opens the door to my room glaring at Bellamy.   
"I think it's time for you to leave Blake."   
"Stay out of this Reyes!" He snaps at her before turning back to face me. "Just give me some time?" He pleads.  
"I don't think I have any left." I say somberly and his face falls.   
"I will fix this!" He says adamantly. He leans in and kisses me on the forehead. Staying there for a long moment before releasing me and heading towards the door. He stops just as Raven moves out the way to let him past. "I swear I'll fix this Clarke, we'll get past this. You're my Princess and nothing can keep me from being a part of your life again." He says sincerely, his eyes boring into mine.  
"Just leave Bellamy." Raven sighs. I curl up into the fetal position and let the despair have me. Large sobs rack my body as an empty feeling makes its way through my limbs. I don't know what scares me more, seeing him again or never seeing him again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise chapter for my amazing readers. You're comments make me smile more than you could imagine and I love hearing your thoughts on the story. Hopefully this chapter will help you understand Bellamy's character a little more (his moodswings and hypocritical behavior) while still leaving the main story semi-secretive. I won't rule out anymore chapters in a different POV so let me know if there are any you're dying to read but it won't be a regular thing. 
> 
> Once again thank you so much!  
> Keep being awesome!  
> Nicole xox

Octavia's POV...

Thump, thump, thump. "Calm down! I'm coming!" I call out to the person banging on my door so hard the whole neighborhood could hear them. Thump, thump, thump. Seriously? How hard is it to be patient for the thirty seconds it takes me to get from the kitchen to the front door? Thump, thump, thump. "Octavia! Open the damn door!" My older, but not so wiser brother shouts. I pull open the door ready to strangle him for causing so much unnecessary noise but the look of devastation on his face halts my reprimanding as he walks past me into my apartment. "B? What's going on? Have the doctors rang you?" I ask cautiously. He stands in the middle of my lounge area looking lost. His eyes make their way to mine and the desolation in them tears at my heart.  
"She loves me O, and I just broke her heart."  
"Who loves you? What're you talking about?"  
"Princess..." he begins but I cut him off.  
"What? Clarke's back? Where is she? How is she? Why didn't she call?" The way he flinches at my words stops me from further interrogation. "Clarke loves you?" I ask in a calmer manner. He just nods me. "And you broke her heart?" Again he nods. "How?"  
"I told her I don't love her like that."  
"But you do?"  
"I know!" He says, pulling on his hair like a mad man while pacing the living room floor.  
"So why did you tell her you don't?"  
"Because I didn't want to tell her about my condition and Murphy said,"  
"Murphy said?" I interrupt again. "You thought it would be a good idea to listen to Murphy? He has the emotional skills of a teaspoon!"  
"I know, but I was desperate for advice and he was there just after she told me she loved me and, I don't know..." His sentence hangs in the air between us. Neither of us knowing what to say. His condition was always a touchy subject for him and I never quite knew what to say about it so I settled for an easier topic to start with.  
"When did you find out Clarke was back?" He looks at me almost sheepishly.  
"I bumped into her a few weeks ago but I only really saw her, saw her the night before last."  
"And you didn't think I'd want to know she was back?"  
"She didn't want anything to do with me the first night I saw her. I didn't want to disappoint you by telling you she was back only for her to not want to see you." Typical Bellamy, always trying to protect me. Always when I didn't want it.  
"But you've gone and pushed her away anyway?" He looks away from me.  
"It's better for her if she thought we couldn't be together. But I didn't think that she would cut me off because of it! I thought we could at least be friends. Maybe it's better this way. Lessen the pain if things don't pan out how we want them too."  
"Your condition is not a life sentence Bellamy Blake so stop talking like it is! We are going to do everything we can to fix it and if it can't be fixed, well you've lived with it for two years there's no telling how many more you can!" He sighs at me and plonks down on the couch. I go and sit next to him, taking his hand.  
"I know O, I'm sorry I said it. It's just hard sometimes."  
"Why don't you want to tell her?"  
"I couldn't stand to see the look of pity in her eyes. It'd kill me." I nod, having guessed that's what it would be.  
"If you want my advice, tell her. There ain't nothing Clarke can't handle. I mean she loves your crazy ass." He laughs at me. "You love her too." I state quietly. He nods.  
"More than you could ever imagine." He says so quietly I don't think I was suppose to hear.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! 
> 
> New chapter for you amazing people. I have also edited the previous two chapters to better suit where i want this story to go so please go back and read the updated versions! 
> 
> I love you all!  
> Xox

I lay watching Raven sleep. Its incredible to see someone so formidable look serene and peaceful. Her brown hair is fanned out across my pillows and her shallow breaths wash over my face. Her breath smells like homemade cocktails and I focus on the scent to avoid from thinking about the reason we drank so much the night before. Bellamy. His name pops to the forefront of my mind and i attempt to push it away the second it appears. He doesn't love me anymore and that's fine we can deal with that. Can't we? Of course we can, we dealt with much worse than losing him, and now that it's been done face to face it'll be easier. Yet his face from yesterday haunts me. The devastation cuts at me like a knife. He had honestly thought I would still be his friend. His naivety makes me smile wryly. I am not the same person he knew. I am stronger now in my core. I may cry deeply for him but I won't allow him to dictate my life. Not anymore. Raven stirs and i smile at her when she opens her eyes. She looks confused for a second. "Why am I in your bed?" I laugh at her.

"Cause we were drinking last night and in your drunk state you called Wick, who came over to find you dancing on the kitchen table singing about how annoyed you were with him. It was quite a funny song, i might add, and had i not been equally as drunk i probably would have recorded you. Anyway you wouldn't talk to him so he went to bed and you didn't want to sleep with him so here we are. Spooning like the soul sisters we are." She cringes at me and buries her face in the pillow.

"Oh no." She says, muffled by the pillow. I laugh.

"Trust me, it wasn't that bad. He went to bed before you started trying to strip, so he still thinks you're a sexy beast." I hear her groan into the pillow and laugh again. "I'll go make the tea." I say, still laughing.

 

I clamber out of bed and down the hallway to find Wick shirtless in my kitchen. If I wasn't so used to it I'd probably scream from fright. He turns when he hears me coming and gives me an amused smile. "Exactly how much did you two drink last night?"

"I don't know." I reply, sheepishly. "I lost count when we hit double figures." He laughs and passes me a cup of streaming tea just the way i like it. "Good Raven's lucky to have you!" I moan, taking a sip of my tea. He laughs again.

"So what were you drinking for? You two don't usually get that hammered unless there's a party or you're trying to forget something." I sigh.

"Bellamy came round yesterday..." I say and he nods understandingly. "He said he doesn't love me anymore." I turn away from him and look out the kitchen window. Wick waits for me to continue. "I love him though."

"I know." He says quietly. "Everyone knows to be honest, and I wouldn't believe him when he says he doesn't love you. That boy has been in love with you since before he knew what love was." I shake my head.

"He was very adamant. We are just friends, but I can't just be his friend. Not this time. I won't put myself in that position again." Wick sighs at me but doesn't say anymore. I start making Raven's tea when I hear her stumbling down the hallway. She makes her way into the kitchen without speaking and goes and sits straight on Wicks lap, nuzzling her head into the crook of his neck. He smiles and kisses the top of her head. "I love you even if you are an idiot." She says simply and that's the end of their argument. I smile at the scene before me but can't mistake the pang i feel in my heart that Bellamy and I will never share a moment like that. Again, I think. Never share a moment like that again.

***

_"You know you're going to have to be the one to say sorry first so why not just get it out of the way." Octavia says to me while glaring at her older brother._

_"Because he was the one that did something wrong O." He was the one that had got me arrested for stealing._

_"Yeah, but he didn't think they would actually arrest you when he explained to them that it was only a prank. And plus they didn't press charges so no criminal record."_

_"That's not the point Octavia." She looks at me with understanding in her eyes before unleashing the full power of her puppy dog eyes on me._

_"You know i hate it when you two fight." She says sweetly. "You're like my sister Clarke and Bellamy is my brother and family always forgives each other." I sigh, knowing I've lost, and she burst out into an ear splitting grin. "Fine!" I march over to where Bellamy is sitting on the couch playing the Playstation and climb onto his lap. He throws the controller onto the coffee table and winds his arms around me, nuzzling his head into my neck. "I hope you know that I hate you but you are forgiven." I say stiffly. He laughs at me._

_"Well I hope you know that I adore you Princess."_

_"Ugh you're lucky I love you, even when you're being an idiot."_

***

Raven looks at me and grins. "Is that tea for me?" I laugh away the memory of Bellamy and hand her the cup.

"Of course! I don't drink tea with milk." She smiles graciously at me and takes a long sip.

"I swear you make the best tea!"

"Hey!" Wick says disgruntled. "You said I make the best tea?"

"Well..." Raven drawls and I laugh.

"Don't worry Wick i think you make the best tea!" I placate.

"Thanks babe!" He says with a wink.

"Oi you two stop flirting while I'm in the room."

"We'll pick this up when Raven's not around." I say flirtatiously, picking up my mug and heading back to my room. I can hear Raven jokingly telling Wick off from the hallway and smile to myself. God I love those two.


	13. Chapter 13

My hand flies across the page with a mind of its own. I'm sitting in the shade of my favorite oak tree attempting to find the release of tension my body is craving. I've been wound so tight since my conversation with Bellamy that I swear my shoulders are permanently attached to my ears now. Raven had been teasing me all week, calling me The Hunchback of Notre Dame and walking around with a pillow under the back of her shirt. I'd left the house to get a way from her comments and found myself in the park before I'd even decided where i was going. I'd been drawing for about an hour and I was just beginning to be able to distinguish the different parts of the abstract piece of work in front of me. There were dozens of pairs of his eyes staring at me mixed in with dark shadows and dripping lines. It was one of the darker pieces I've ever drawn, but I suppose I am feeling very dark lately. Although I'd sworn to myself I wouldn't let him dictate my life anymore, i found myself thinking of him every waking moment. And when i couldn't think of him consciously my body stepped in with dreams of him. No matter what I did I couldn't seem to free myself of him. I sigh, standing up and brushing the dirt and leaves off my jeans. Drawing is obviously not going to help. Movement to my left catches my attention. This side of the park is usually pretty empty which is why i draw from it. You can see everything happening in the whole park without being caught staring. My eyes follow the familiar figure making its way up the hill until they are close enough that their profile becomes clear.  "Monty." I sigh. I should have guessed.  He's the only one that will walk up the hill to get me, the others are too lazy and prefer to wait by the car. He smiles and waves at me. I smile back a genuine smile. "Come on Clarke, it's game time." He says in a TV presenter voice.   
"Is it Wednesday already?" I ask, bumping my hip with his as we head down the hill together.   
"Are you OK Clarke?" Monty asks sincerely. He waits while i think iver his question.   
"I will be." I reply quietly.   
"That's good enough for me." He says taking my sketchbook and pencils from me. 

*** 

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating!" I hear Jasper wail at the top of his lungs.   
"It's not cheating if I'm better at the game then you." Raven snaps back angrily.   
"Yes it is. Clarke! Raven's cheating!" I laugh from the kitchen but stop abruptly when i hear a controller being thrown and a dull thud followed by Jaspers howling voice. "Clarke, Raven threw her controller at me."   
"You're such a dobber Jasper!"   
"Guys come on, we're adults now." Monty tries to intercept.   
"Speak for yourself!" Jasper and Raven say in unison.   
"Jinx!" Raven shouts quickly.   
"Jinx!" Jasper shouts milliseconds after.   
"Hah!" Raven exclaims and I know that she's punched Jasper before he howls again.   
"Clarke please come and seperate these two. You know they only listen to you!" Monty yells out calmly. I grab the popcorn bag out of the microwave and head back into the living room. I walk in to find Raven pinning Jasper to the ground, a hand firmly pressed over his mouth. "Make another sound! I dare you!" She sneers.   
"Raven get off him." I say as i sit down in the couch.   
"But hes such a weasely little shit?"   
"Come on, I'll let you pick the movie."   
"But we were playing Mario Kart?"  
"Not anymore we're not. You've exceeded your limited number of fights with Jasper." She groans at me, but gets off straight away.   
"Fine! But we're watching Fast and Furious number one."   
"Again!" Jasper exclaims. "You always pick that movie!"  
"That's cause it's my favorite movie you moron!"   
"But Clarke..." he groans at me. I laugh.   
"No buts Jasper. It's Raven's pick this week."   
"Ugh fine!" He says flopping down harshly onto the couch next to Monty.

Just as the opening credits role my phone starts to ring. An unknown number. I walk into the kitchen and answer. "Hello?"   
"Clarke is that you?"   
"Murphy?" I ask incredulously. "How did you get my number?"  
"I stole it from Bellamy's phone. Anyway, that's not important right now. I need your help. It's Bellamy." He says grimly. My heart starts to race and i can feel my palms getting sweaty.   
"What's wrong with him?" I ask breathlessly. The world has started to spin.   
"Just get to the Dropship as fast as you can." He says and hangs up. 

My shoes are on and my keys in my hand before I've even thought about it. Raven is asking me what's going on but I can't think clearly enough to answer her right now. Somethings wrong with my Bellamy. He needs me. That's all I can think about right now. I try and smile reassuringly at her from my car window but i can't tell if it worked or not. I do my best to stay below the speed limit but road rules are not at the front of my mind right now. Different scenarios of what could have happened run through my mind as I try and calm myself. It can't be that bad because Murphy would have rang Octavia rather than me. Poor Octavia. I had been to coward to try and contact her after my conversation with Bellamy. Bellamy, right. Something had happened to Bellamy. I pull up outside the Dropship and relax when i see no flashing lights out the front. It can't be so bad, no ambulances or police cars. I get out and head straight for the bar, not bothering to lock my car. My eyes take a second to adjust when i walk in the door before they are scanning the place looking for a familiar mop of brown, curly hair. I spot him in a booth in the corner leaning heavily on Murphy. Murphy smiles in relief when he sees me at the door and waves me over while replying to whatever Bellamy had been saying to him. As i walk i look closer at Bellamy's hunched figure. He's breathing hard. His whole chest heaving with each breath. The closer I get the easier it is to see just how much of his weight he is leaning on Murphy. I've just about reached the table when his eyes lock on mine and the look of terror in his eyes knocks the breath out of me. I rush forward more quickly reaching out for him just as he reaches for me. "Bell!" I exclaim, barely catching him. I fall into the booth and he grips me tightly.   
"Princess!" He moans into my neck. "Princess, make it stop."   
"Make what stop?" I ask, borderline hysterically.   
"The hurt." He murmurs. "My Princess, she will make the hurt stop." I look at Murphy helplessly as Bellamy passes out in my arms.


	14. Chapter 14

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The steady pulse of his machines helps to ground me. It's been twelve hours and he still hasn't woken. The doctors tell me that's from the alcohol not his condition. His condition, a benign brain tumor. Which in theory should be a good sign, they're not cancerous so no need for chemotherapy, but the position of Bell's makes it hard to operate. They opted instead to try an experimental drug that was supposed to lessen the size of the tumor to a point where it was no longer a risk to his brain. It hadn't worked. It had slowed the acceleration but the tumor was still growing. Octavia said that he was supposed to stop taking the drugs if he had any pain and call his doctor straight away. I reach for his hand and grip it tightly. "You idiot of a man!" I whisper harshly. "Why can't you ever do what you're told?" I rest my head on our joined hands. "Why didn't you tell me..."  
"He wanted to lessen the pain for starters. Plus he didn't think he could stand to see pity in your eyes." Octavia says from the doorway. "Thought it would be easier if you thought he didn't love you too. I told him it wouldn't do any good and to just tell you but you know Bell. Always the protector." She shrugs and comes and sits next to me.  
"Well it wouldn't have worked. Even if we hadn't reconnected. If I'd heard of this it would have shattered me."  
"I know that but he doesn't think so highly of himself. He thought for sure you had forgotten all about him." I scoff at her words. "He loves you Clarke." She says quietly. "More than i think he even loves me. Don't let him get in the way of himself." My heart aches at her words.  
"He already has though O. And I don't just mean by telling me he doesn't love me, cause although that hurt, I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't all of it. It's more that he won't tell me why he never tried to get in contact with me. It can't have been just Lilly. I know she sent the text but when I tried to ignore the text and talk to him anyway his phone was disconnected and I was blocked from all his social media. Hell the only thing I didn't do was come to your house."  
"You should have." She whispers. "Once he realised what he thought was going on he was a wreck. Wouldn't eat, wouldn't talk, and when he finally came out of his room he carried this stupid dinosaur teddy everywhere with him. Greg got so mad at him for being a zombie and Bellamy just took the hits like he deserved them." I grip his hand so hard my knuckles go white.  
"Why didn't he just find me?" I squeeze out, my throat tight at the thought of Bellamy's pain.  
"I don't know, to be honest. In the start he told me that you two had had a huge argument and were taking a break from seeing each other, but later the story changed. He said that he was sick of holding you back from your full potential so he'd let you go. It didn't make any sense to me. I knew you. Knew how you felt about him, about me. I thought for sure you were just going to waltz in the front door like you used to. I waited for you. Days turned to weeks and then weeks turned to months and soon all your pictures were gone. Stashed in Bellamys room somewhere. Your name was banned from being mentioned around the house. And then he was gone. I don't think he could bare to stay in that room without you. So he moved states and not long after I followed him." She shrugs again and leans back in her chair, closing her eyes. My mind is reeling from her words. Nothing quite sinking in. "I wanted to hate you." She whispers a few moments later. "But I couldn't and I don't know if that's worse." I want to apologize to her but what do I say? I'm sorry your brothers girlfriend ruined our friendship. I settle on apologizing for what I can.  
"I'm sorry I didn't contact you O. I was too caught up in my own pain to think about how it would have been for you. It broke me and I'm still putting the pieces back together. You have to understand why I can't just forgive and forget regardless of what he's going through now. I've been through more than you could imagine. And even though I love him. I love him so much it consumes me and nothing else matters when I'm with him. It makes me reckless. I can't lose myself in him again because this time I won't make it out in tact. I need someone that loves me back right now," She looks at me with pain as a single tear rolls down my cheek.  
"Just don't give up on him Clarke. Let him prove to you that you can trust him with your heart." I find myself nodding at her before consciously deciding to do so and relief lights up her face. She rests her head on my shoulder.  
"I missed you so much Clarke!"  
"I missed you too, O!" 

** 

I wake up some time later, my head resting on Bellamy's and my joined hands and a blanket laid over my back. Someone is running their hand through my hair while two people talk quietly. "How much does she know?" Bellamy asks.  
"Everything." Octavia replies simply. Bellamy sighs in response.  
"Has she left yet?"  
"No. I think she's waiting to talk to you first. She's in a world of hurt B and you're the only one that can do anything about it."  
"But how?"  
"Be honest with her. About it all. She's spent the last six years thinking you didn't care about her enough. It's gonna take some work."  
"I'd do anything for her, how can she not know that?"  
"She does know that. She just doesn't trust herself to make clear decisions around you. She's broken Bell and intentionally or not you did that. It's up to you now to fix it."  
"I will!" He swears as I slip back into unconsciousness.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Lovely people!
> 
> I'm sorry for such a long wait for a new chapter. Big changes in my life, I moved out of home! YAY!   
> Plus university has just started up again so its been a few weeks of just adjusting to new routines, but fingers crossed this leaves me more time for writing. I find myself daydreaming about this story in my lectures so it is defiantly not over!
> 
> Thanks so much for the continued support, I love you guys so much!  
> xox

I wake up to raised voices. "You can't go in without letting her know!" Octavia all but screams.  
"Will you be quiet! You'll wake her up!" Bellamy hushes her quietly.  
"Good! She needs to wake up so you can stop this madness! Clarke! Clarke, wake up!" I lift my head from its perch on the edge of Bell's bed. Bell's empty bed. My eyes quickly scan the scene before me. Octavia is blocking the door, a fierce expression on her face. Bellamy stands before her, his face in his hands. "Now you've done it!" He mumbles into his hands.   
"What's going?" I ask, confused. "Bell, where are you going? You should still be in bed, and why are you dressed?"   
"He was going to check himself out!" Octavia snarls. My sharp intake of breath makes his eyes spring to mine.   
"It's not as bad as she says. Doctor says I'm fine. I'm quite well enough to go home."   
"He did not say you were fine Bellamy Blake!" Octavia accuses. Bellamy keeps his eyes on me, ignoring Octavia's interruption.  
"I'm fine Clarke. Really, I'm fine." He insists.   
"Bell..." he looks away as soon as I start, guessing what I'm going to say. "Maybe just wait a little while?" He throws his hands up in the air.   
"What else can they do? Basically they've told me I'm going to die so don't I get to decide where? Cause I sure as hell don't pick here!" Tears fill my eyes at his words.   
"That's not true B! There's still a chance..." Octavia tries to say but is cut off by Bellamy again.   
"A what, five percent chance that I'll survive? Come on O! Not even you're that naive!"   
"Enough!" I snap. "Don't speak to her that way! Just because you're in this position doesn't give you the right to be an asshole! She's looking out for you cause you're too stupid to do it yourself." He turns to glare at me.  
"You don't even know what the hell you're talking about. You only found out last night and what, already you think you're an expert? I don't think so." He sneers. "You haven't been here to deal with this for the last two years so don't you tell me what to do now!"  
"And whose fault was that? Cause it sure wasn't mine!"   
"Are we back there again? You can't help but put the focus back on poor hard done by Clarke can you? Well let me tell you something oh mighty Princess, I didn't want to see you! I was glad to be rid of you and your stuck up personality!" I slap him hard and fast.   
"I know you're scared Bellamy. I'm scared shitless too but don't you lie to me! Not now! Not about this!" He looks away from me, guilt evident on his face. "Now, tell me why you really didn't contact me or I'm leaving and this time I won't be coming back!" He starts pacing across the hospital room before going to look out the window. "You brought this up." I remind him.  
"I thought you'd figured out that I was in love with you and you didn't feel the same way. I thought you were disgusted by my feelings and wanted to get away from me. It was the only thing that made sense to me."   
"That made sense to you?" I can't help the little giggle that bursts its way out of my chest. He turns to glare at me.   
"Oh sure, laugh at my pain. I mean this is such a hilarious situation and all." He drawls, looking thoroughly pissed off. My small giggle turns into full on hysterical laughing and soon Octavia joins in. My grab at my sides, wheezing while Octavia wipes a stray tear. We share a smile over her brothers obvious stupidity. Bellamy is looking back and forth between us as if we are crazy. His expectant gaze settles on me when I finally stop laughing. He's waiting for me to explain.   
"Bell, you seriously can't see how backwards this whole situation is? We both thought that it was the other that had left when really we pushed each other away."   
"It's still not funny." He says, sullenly.  
"If I don't laugh, I'll cry and if I start crying we both know I won't stop." I say seriously. This whole ordeal is just too much for me to handle. He comes towards me, arms outstretched.  
"Princess..."  
"Don't Bell, that's just as bad. I don't need you to comfort me right now. I want answers about the past and I want to know what you plan to do about the future, but before any of that I want you to get back in that damn hospital bed before I call the nurse to have you sedated." I point at the bed for extra emphasis and can see by the look on his face that I've won even as he tries to protest.  
"Princess, I really don't need to be here."  
"And when I hear a doctor say that then we'll leave, but until then get your fat ass back into that bed!"  
"Fat ass?" He asks, amused, as he slumps down on the bed.  
"Extremely fat!" I tease. Octavia looks at the two of us with a knowing smile.   
"Well, my work is done here. So I'm going go and get a nice coffee while you two talk." She says, as she backs towards the door. Just as she turns to leave she mutters, "You're still going be here when I get back, right Clarke?"  
"Nothing could keep me away, O!" I say sincerely and she leaves, nodding her head. I sit back down in the seat I had been sleeping in only fifteen minutes earlier and look sadly at my lap.   
"Don't do that to yourself." Bell commands, my eyes automatically lifting to his. "It's not your fault!"  
"I could have contacted her, Bell. I should have been able to look past my own hurt to see that she would have been hurting too. I was so selfish."  
"We all were Princess. I could have looked past my pride and contacted you, Octavia could have contacted you herself. Lord knows she doesn't listen to me about everything else, why should this have been any different." He offers me a small smile and I return it shyly. Neither of us wants to be the one to bring up the elephant in the room. We've both said we were in love with the other at one time or another, neither of us knowing whether it's present or past tense for the other. I decide to start with things I know I need the answer too. "Why was I blocked on all your social media and phone?" I ask, quietly. This was one that had bothered me for a long time. I used to just want to know what he was doing with his life. Just to be able to keep tabs on his happiness.   
"When I thought you'd left, I couldn't bare to see you happy with someone else. So for my sanity I blocked your number and all your social media's. I couldn't even look at the pictures of us, it hurt me physically. I took all of your pictures down off the wall and from around the house, I even raided O's room for them. Yet I couldn't make myself throw them out. I used to keep them in a box under my bed and get them out on special occasions like your birthday or just when I missed you. Eventually I wasn't able to ignore how present you still were in my life, so I took a few out of the box and put them up around wherever I was staying." I think of the box hiding under my bed and smile at how similarly we reacted to the situation.   
"I have a box like that too." I say quietly, and he looks up and smiles broadly at me and then it falters.  
"Why did you believe that message? I had never made any suggestion about leaving before, in fact I did the opposite I thought. I tried to tell you all the time what you meant to me."   
"You've got to understand how I saw myself back then. I was so ashamed of the way I looked and worried about what others thought of me. You and Raven were the only things that I thought I had going for me and then you left. I used to believe that if the person who I loved most in this world could leave me for someone prettier what hope did I have of ever being truly loved. I hated myself and it took me a long time to realise that. It's one of the reasons Raven is so protective of me now. She saw me struggle through my self hatred. I mean I've come out of it okay but God Bellamy for a while I was such a mess." I look away from the window towards him and find him looking down a tear running down his face. "No, Bell, stop it's over now!" I get up and perch on the edge of the bed grabbing his hand, like I used to to calm him down. He squeezes my hand quickly before pulling me into a bone crushing hug.  
"I'll never forgive myself for the pain I've caused you Princess. The pain I'm going to cause you again."   
"You've got to stop talking like that Bellamy Blake." I say sternly. "You are not allowed to leave me again, so you better fight and fight hard! We will win this battle together!"  
"Promise?" He whispers into my neck.  
"Promise!"


	16. Chapter 16

Bellamy was indeed allowed to leave the hospital that afternoon after basically pleading with the doctor and ensuring that both Octavia and I would be with him twenty-four hours a day seven days a week to make sure he took his new medication on time. It was crazy how seamlessly I fit back into their lives. Bellamy and I were hardly separated. Unless I was attending my classes and even then he would either come with me to the campus and listen to music while I was learning or text me the entire time. Raven was a harder egg to crack and the argument we had had the first time Bell came to our house will forever be one of our worst. It wasn't until he told her that he was dying (since it wasn't my secret to spill) that she finally let up. She wasn't totally at ease around him, but I could see the longer he was around the more she relaxed. Both Octavia and Bell, and sometimes even Murphy, joined in on Wednesday's game nights and Jasper and Monty welcomed them with open arms. Jasper and Monty's duo  became a trio with the addition of Octavia and you never saw one without the other two. Weeks passed happily. Bell continued taking his new medication and it seemed to get rid of the headaches and stall the acceleration of his tumor. It wasn't a solution just something to help while the doctors searched for a way to operate. Neither me nor Bell had brought up our declarations of love and it seem to be an unspoken truce that it wasn't the right time to talk about it yet. 

 

Today started out just like most days, waking up to the smell of bacon in the kitchen and a steaming cup of tea being placed on my bedside table, both courtesy of one Bellamy Blake. It's become our ritual. He spends all day at mine, goes home and sleeps at his place and then comes back to mine again in the morning and makes me breakfast. I ended up giving him a key so neither me or Raven would have to get up to let him in every morning. "Come on Princess, time to wake up." I groan and pull the covers over my head and he laughs quietly at me.  
"Five more minutes?" I beg. I feel him settle on the bed on top of the covers next to me and laugh at me again.   
"That's what you say every morning." I roll over and snuggle into the side of him, burying my head into his chest without thinking. This is new. We've haven't done this since that night he had taken me back to his place to talk and we were both so angry and unsure around each other that night. I feel him stiffen for a beat before wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head. "Just a few more minutes or my bacon will burn." He says into my hair. I take a deep breath and relax into his embrace more. His arms tighten slightly and it feels so nice. I had always had a deep craving in me to be held, to be touched. To me bodily contact showed that someone loved you. It felt like they were holding you together. I craved the intimacy of being so close to another person and allowing them so close to you. I needed it to know I was wanted. For the last few years the only person who could give me the comfort I craved was Raven and even then it never felt exactly right. Not like this. Not with the way Bellamy was invading all of my senses. He had a scent that was so entirely his. It smelt like home, he smelt like home and like love. I didn't realise quite how much I'd missed this intimacy with him until I got it back. Bellamy and I had always had a very touchy-feely relationship when we were growing up and it had returned full force in the past weeks. One of us was always touching a part of the other, without consciously deciding to do so. It wasn't unusual to find me with my feet in his lap while watching the television or him with his head in my lap while we talked. It was so easy to be completely comfortable around each other. It was one of the things I loved most about him, his ability to make me feel at ease.  I take another deep breath, trying to absorb how whole he makes me feel. His arms tighten again before releasing me. "I gotta check the bacon Princess." He says quietly, almost reluctantly. I groan and roll away from him, missing the feeling immediately. I roll onto my back and throw my arm over my face. "I don't want to get up!" I moan, sullenly.   
"Come on Princess, I've got a surprise for you." I lift my arm and peek at him out the corner of my eyes.  
"A Surprise?"   
"Yes, a surprise. Now get up and get dressed or breakfast will get cold." He says, getting off the bed.   
"Can't you bring me my breakfast in here?" I ask sweetly. He grins at me evilly and I know whats coming before he even makes a move. I try to flee the bed but hes way to quick for me. Before I know it I'm pinned to the bed, Bellamy straddling my hips tickling me senseless. "No.... Stop!" I wheeze out between giggles. "Bellamy please!" I beg and he stops, placing his hands on either side of my head on the bed. We both realise our compromising positions at the same time. Our eyes locking on one another. He slowly brushes my hair from my forehead, leaving his hand cupping my face. Startled by the absence of anxiety at having someone pinning me down like this I close my eyes and lean into his touch. "Clarke, I..." We jump apart as the door opens and a disgruntled Raven stomps in. "The bacon is burning Bellamy." She mumbles before she can comprehend the scene in front of her. Her eyes widen for a second before narrowing at us. She points at Bell, "You, out! I need to talk to Clarke and you need to fix breakfast before I revoke your key privileges." He scampers off the bed and out the door, throwing me an apologetic look over his shoulder as he leaves. Raven shuts the door after him and huffs before climbing into the part of my bed Bellamy had been occupying five minutes ago. She lies down without talking to me and once she has settled she just stares at me expectantly. "Oh don't give me that look Raven Reyes, nothing happened." I grumble, sitting up and reaching for my cup of now lukewarm tea. I take a sip, grimace at the cold tea and place it back on my bedside table. "But it would have." She states.  
"Not necessarily." I retort.  
"Oh please, Clarke. Like you could ever say no to him."  
"You don't even know what was happening. He was gonna tell me something before you burst in here. Without knocking I might add!"  
"What was he gonna tell you? And like I've ever had to knock before."  
"Well now I'll never know, will I?"  
"Don't be so dramatic!"  
"Says you. You didn't even know what happened and you flipped out." She sighs and lays her head in my lap.  
"You know perfectly well why I flipped out. It scares me to see you like that. You and Wick are all I've got and if he breaks you again I don't know how I'll cope." It comes out as a whisper but I hear it loud and clear. I run my fingers threw her hair.   
"It won't be like that this time Rae." She starts to disagree but I cut her off. "No, I know what you're going to say but I do know. I thought exactly what you are thinking. How will I come back from losing him twice and it scared the shit out of me, it really did. And then I found out about his condition and my fear doubled because now its not just him deciding that he doesn't want me that I have to worry about, I also have to worry about whether he's even gonna live to make that decision. But these last few weeks with him have made me realise just how strong I am, and I have no doubt that if he does die or leave me that it's going to hurt like hell but I know I am strong enough to get through it. He has made me strong in ways that I never could have on my own and I don't know how he's done it. I used to wake in the morning and wonder what was going to go wrong for me that day, now I wake with hope that everything will go right and that even if it doesn't I can get through it." The words pour out of me as I continue to stroke her hair and her eyes glisten with tears.  
"Who are you and what have you done with Clarke." She smiles watery at me. I give her a small laugh.  
"I guess she finally grew up." Raven sits up and hugs me fiercely.  
"I am so damn proud of who you are!" She says. I hug her back content with who I've become.  
"And plus, I honestly don't think he is going anywhere. I can feel it in my bones. I'm stuck with him for life." We share a laugh and then head out to breakfast both lost in our own thoughts.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!! 
> 
> In this chapter there will be an allusion to abuse, please don't read if it is a trigger of yours!!

The bacon and eggs, which were barely salvageable according to Raven, and coffee or tea for me were eaten with laughter and even Raven seemed at ease regardless that Bellamy was sat with his arm thrown around the back of my chair, whispering jokes into my ear making me almost spit my tea all over Wick more than once. We were just starting to pack away breakfast when Bellamy brought up the ominous surprise again. "So, Princess. Don't you wanna know what you're surprise is? I was sure you would have bugged me all through breakfast about it." Truth be told, it had been eating at me not knowing what it was but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of being right about me.

"Oh, I'd forgotten all about it." I say nonchalantly. "I'm not really feeling it today Bell, maybe tomorrow?" I shrug. His mouth drops open for a second and then he smirks at me raising one eyebrow.

"Oh really, well that's okay. We can do it some other day, I'll just take O or maybe Raven is free today? Wick is more than welcome to come." He turns, as if he is going looking for Raven. I grab his arm.

"No!" He turns and smirks. "I mean, Raven and Wick are probably busy so I guess if I have to go I'll go."

"No, no, if it's such a burden I can always find someone else."

"No, I want to go." 

"Are you sure, I mean if it's not too much trouble?"

"Stop being a dick you know I was only kidding!" I say narrowing my eyes. He laughs at me and pulls me in for a hug.

"I know Princess. And anyways I wouldn't wanna go with anyone else." 

"Go where?" 

"Oh you know, here and there." 

"Seriously Bell!" 

"There's this art exhibition at The Oasis that I thought you might like to check out." I zone out after he says "The Oasis". I push back from him and put both hands over my ears. The tears start to stream uncontrollably and I can hear myself screaming for Raven without consciously deciding to do so. I start chanting "he's not here, he's not here" over and over but it doesn't stop the flashbacks of bloody, ripped clothing and a bathroom stall floor. I hear Raven shout at Bellamy to stop, but stop what I don't know. I can't see him through the tears. Someone grabs hold of me, the hands are too big to be Raven. It's him, he's here! I turn and throw my fists violently. "Get off me!" I scream. I make contact with his face and he hisses in pain and his hands lose contact with me. "Clarke you have to stop before I can touch you." Raven says, firmly. My arms fall limply at my side. Less than a second later Ravens arms are wrapped around me. I breathe in her scent and it calms the sobs in my chest. I grip her tightly and she starts whispering comfortingly in my ear. "He's not here! I'd never let him near you again! He's not here, I promise, he's not here!" She stops when I start to breathe more deeply and the tears stop. "I think you should leave Bell, Clarke's fine I promise! She'll ring you tomorrow!" I grip her tighter, silently thanking her for understanding what I need without me asking. 

"Like hell I'm leaving!" 

"Look man, its not the first time this has happened, she just needs Raven to herself for the night and she'll be right as rain tomorrow." Wick intercepts.

"You can't just expect me to leave after seeing that!" 

"You gotta give her some time so she can explain for herself and she can't do that right now." Wick explains. I look up at Bell and him a small nod, assuring him that this is what I want. Wick starts to push him and Bellamy allows himself to be pushed from the room, his eyes never leaving mine. Once he's gone I bury my head back into Ravens' neck and cry again, this time for the inevitable pain I will have to face tomorrow explaining to Bellamy what he just witnessed.

"Come on Sweet, lets spend the day in bed." Raven says soothingly and I nod my head on her shoulder.   

 

***

 

We're sat on the bed surrounded by mounds of junk food, Dirty Dancing playing on the tv for the third time in a row. "You know, I only found out the other day that Baby is supposed to be like sixteen while Johnny is like twenty something! It kinda ruined the romance for me." Raven says, around a mouth full of potato chips. I laugh at her. 

"Age is just a number baby!" I say, winking. 

"Yeah and prison is just a motel room." She scoffs and I laugh at her again. "I know you probably don't wanna talk about it, but what are you gonna tell Bell tomorrow?" She asks, quietly. I sigh.

"The truth I guess. Although I don't think it's gonna do either of us any good!" 

"Why do you say that?  Maybe it'll help you if someone other than me knew?" 

"Wick doesn't know?" 

"He's never asked. I think he guesses but he trusts you enough for you to have told him if you wanted him to know." 

"Oh... I just kind of assumed, I mean he's seen enough of my episodes." 

"People care for you more than you think Clarke Griffin." She says, bumping my shoulder with hers. "But stop changing the subject, why do you think it's gonna be so terrible for Bellamy?" 

"Cause he's gonna blame himself."

"How do you figure that one?" 

"Because I know Bellamy. He'll be all like 'if I'd never left this never would have happened' or something similar."

"I thought he'd just wanna bash the guy, but you're right that's a much more Bellamy thing to do." 

"Can I tell you a secret Rae?" 

"You have a secret? I thought I knew everything!" She says, jokingly horrified.

"When it first happened I did blame him. I was so sure that if he hadn't left than there was no way it would have happened because he would have protected me. I don't think that anymore, I'm sure 'he who shall not be named' still would have found a way but I still thought it for a while." Raven sits quietly for a while. "Come on Rae, say something. You're not exactly invoking confidence for tomorrow." 

"Nah I'm just thinking. You know, if I was in the same position I probably would have done the same thing. I mean think about it. Whenever anything happened to you, who protected you? Bellamy. Who did you go running too? Bellamy. It's only natural that in one of your scariest situations that you would want him and then blame him for not being there to help you. It doesn't make you a bad person Clarke." I sigh and wrap my arms around the best friend I could ever have hoped for.

"You always know exactly what to say Rae." 

"It's a perk of being awesome." 

"You know I love you madly, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, I love you too. Now enough with the soppy shit. Can we watch a better movie now?" I laugh. 

"Yes, Raven, you can put one of your shoot 'em up movies on now." She gets up and heads to the cabinet with my DVDs in. 

"Can I just ask one thing?" She asks, somberly. I've been waiting all day for this question. "What did he say to trigger you?"

"He wanted to take me there for an art exhibition." I whisper. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***  
> SEXUAL ABUSE IS PRESENT IN THIS CHAPTER. 
> 
> Skip to the end of the chapter to miss the abuse talk if it is a trigger for you. 
> 
> I love you all.

I stare at the black screen of my phone, mentally preparing for what I know will be there when I finally gather the courage to turn it on. Bellamy had left, like he was asked, but I know him. I know my phone will be full of messages and missed calls from him the second it turns back on. Bellamy is not a patient man. I was surprised he hadn't already turned up at the house, considering it was already midday and I hadn't rang him yet. I hold the button in and the screen comes to life, I close my eyes and feel the vibrations of the missed text messages coming through. Thirty-two from Bellamy, two from Octavia and one from Raven. I open Ravens first wondering what she could have needed to text me when she was in the same house as me. _"You're stronger than you believe. I'm only a room away. I love you madly. R xx"_ Tears prick my eyes and I silently thank the universe for Raven Reyes. I glance at Bellamy's messages and ignore Octavia's completely. They'll all just be different forms of "are you ok?", "talk to me please". I look at Bell's contact picture for a solid five minutes before I press call, wishing that I didn't have to do this and that he'd never found out. He picks up on the first ring. "Princess? Are you there?" He sounds anxious. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly.   
"Yeah, I'm here Bell." He sighs in relief.  
"Oh thank God! I thought it was gonna be Raven telling me you still didn't want to see me."   
"No, it's me and I do want to see you."   
"I'll be there in ten." He says and hangs up before I have a chance to reply. I roll over and press my face into the pillow on the other side of the bed. If i breathe deep enough I swear I can still smell Bellamy's scent. That's where he finds me, less than ten minutes later.   
"That was quick." My voice muffled by the pillow.  
"What are you doing?" He asks from the doorway.   
"My pillow smells like you." I can't see his face but I know he's smiling. I pat the bed next to me and sense rather than hear him move towards me. Once I feel him settled on the bed, I roll over and press my face into his neck. His arms come around me and he starts tracing patterns on my arm with his finger. "I don't suppose there is anyway for you to just pretend you didn't see anything yesterday and everything can go back to normal?" His finger pauses for a moment and then continues its path.   
"I'm afraid not." His voice is quiet, soothing almost and it makes me sigh.  
"I thought not, but you have to promise you won't overreact or interrupt. It's not going to be pretty." He's quiet for a long time and then he kisses my forehead and nods.   
"I'm listening." I take a deep breath and start from the beginning.   
"Three years ago I fell in love. His name was Finn and he was the most gentlemanly person I had ever met. Bare in mind this was during my "hate Bellamy cause he left me" phase, so really he was the second most gentlemanly person I had ever met but that's just semantics.  I was twenty and not ashamed to admit that I was still a virgin. In the beginning he used to tell me it was another thing he loved about me and that it meant that when we did it that I would be his and his alone. We'd been dating for about three months and had been steadily doing other stuff but I just wasn't ready to actually have sex yet. He kept telling me that it was fine and he'd never push me into it because he loved me, but I could it was slowly becoming a problem for him. I tried to step up the other aspects of our sex life but nothing seemed to be helping. One night he had set up a date night for us some gala at The Oasis." My breath shuddered out of my as I said the name and Bellamy's arms tightened around me. My tears were beginning to soak his shirt. "I was so excited." I continue. "We had dinner and danced and it was a lovely evening. We had just sat back down at our table and were just about to get ready to leave when he whispered in my ear...  
"I did this for you so your going to do something for me tonight." Finn says, flirtatiously in my ear and I know he means sex. I laugh at him.    
"Oh really, well we'll see." I look up into his eyes thinking they'd be alight with humor but they were cold and unloving. He stood up from the table so quick he almost knocked the glasses onto the floor. Grabbing my arm he starts too drag me from the room. I can feel my anxiety levels rising and I know something is terribly wrong. I need to get away from him somehow. "Baby, ok. Ok, when we get home we can try." He stops abruptly and turns to look at me, his entire face changed from what it had been two minutes ago. "I just need to use the ladies room and then we can go home." I say with a forced smile. I touch the hand that is still gripping my arm and he releases me as if he'd forgotten he was holding onto me. I kiss him on the cheek and walk as fast as I can without being suspicious to the bathroom. As soon as the cubicle door shuts behind me I pull my phone out, texting a hurried message to Raven. " _SOS. Girls bathroom by the exit. Hurry. I'm scared."_ Raven's reply is almost instantaneous, _"Hold on, I'm coming."_  I close the lid to the toilet and sit on it hoping I can stay there until Raven gets to me. Five minutes pass and I know Finn will be getting impatient. The door opens and I hear someone come in. "Clarke? You in here baby?" Finn calls out, his voice echoing in the empty bathroom. There's a knock on my door. "Baby?" My mind screams at me to lie.   
"Yeah it's me babe." My voice wavers.   
"What's the matter? You've been in here a long time."   
"I think there was something wrong with my chicken. I don't feel well." I lie, feebly.   
"We had the same chicken and I feel fine." I silently curse at myself for not remembering. "Why don't you come out and I'll take you home and look after you?"   
"No!" I shout. "I mean, no just let me stay in here for a minute and I'll be fine."  
"Clarke, you're lying to me. I can always tell when you're lying to me." He bangs on the door again. "Open the fucking door now or I'm going to break it down." Tears start to stream down my face as the banging on the door continues and then suddenly it stops. The room is completely silent. Could he have left? Would he have left me? My questions are answered when I hear the bathroom door lock. I scramble for my phone and dial Raven's number when suddenly the cubicle door is busted open and the phone wrenched from my hand. He looks at the screen and laughs while ending the call. "That nosy bitch can't save you now. It's just you and me baby, just you and me." My eyes dart around quickly, looking for something, anything to use as a weapon. In the end I throw my hand bag at him and try to rush past but he grabs me around the waist and whips me sideways into the concrete wall of the cubicle. My head bounces of the wall and my vision blurs. "Now, now Clarke, that wasn't nice. And look what you've done now, smacking your head like that." He slaps the side of my face. "Come on wake up. This will be no fun if you sleep through it all." He gathers me up in his arms and lays me down on the cold, tiled floor. He starts to peel of his suit jacket. "Now with this being your first time and all, I wanna try and be as gentle as possible but that's only possible if you do exactly as you're told. Do you understand?" I single tear rolls down the side of my face and he pauses with his tie undone hanging around his neck and his first two buttons undone. He bends down wipes the tear away gently. His touch makes me cringe. "For one, no more tears. It ruins the mood." He straightens and continues to undo the buttons on his shirt pulling it free from his pants and leaving it to hang open. He pops his belt open and I shut my eyes tightly. "I don't know what you're so worried about baby, it feels so good you'll be begging me for more when we're finished. Another tear slips free and he slaps me hard across the face. My cheek stings and I can tell my lip has split. "I told you, no crying." He says harshly. I hear his zipper lower and can't help the tiny whimper that comes out. "Open your eyes." I shake my head. "Open your eyes or I'll hit you again." I peel them open and look up at him. He smiles at me. "There she is. The most beautiful girl in the world." My breath shudders out of me as he gets down and straddles my hips. I try and push him off but my limbs feel groggy as a side effect of hitting my head so hard. "Please." I beg quietly. "Please don't do this. You don't have to do this." He shushes me, putting a finger over my lip.   
"It's all going to be ok. You'll see." He rips the top of my strapless dress down the middle so it falls to either side of my breasts. He groans in appreciation and it makes my stomach turn violently. "Now lets get rid of this bra shall we." I try to struggle away from him but he's too strong. So I scream out loudly instead.  
"Help!" He hits me across the face again even harder than before and clamps a hand down over my mouth.  
"Try that again and see what happens." He threatens. His eyes almost completely black. He moves the hand from my face and reaches down to cup my now naked breast. "You have the loveliest breasts I have ever seen." He moans and leans down to kiss them. Bile rises in the back of my throat. He slides down my legs so he his straddling my knees rather than my hips and gathering the dress in his hands, rips it completely in half so that I'm naked everywhere except for my underwear. The tears start to fall uncontrollably from eyes but Finn is too preoccupied to notice. I feel him lowering my underwear and my mind shuts down.

Bellamy squeezes me and it pulls me from the memories. "I guess you know what happened next, I'll spare you those gory details. Raven arrived, busting down the door I might add, just as he was getting himself dressed again. He would have just left me there if she hadn't been there. As it turns out she punched him and knocked him out cold and after covering me with her jacket called security. I pressed charges and he was convicted but he's probably out by now knowing the way he can charm people." I shrug. The tears have stopped but I can still feel the wet spot on Bellamy's shirt. He lays there quietly, very still, absorbing everything. "I wish you didn't need to know but it's a part of who I am at the moment and I suppose you need to know what triggers me so I can avoid hitting you in the face next time." I sit up on my elbow and run my finger over the small bruise under his eye. "Got you good, didn't I?" A faint smile ghosts his lips at that but I can see he's too upset for my humor right now. He pulls me back down against him and hugs me tight for longer than I can remember being held in a long time. "I'm sorry Clarke." He whispers some time later.   
"Don't be Bell, it was a long time ago."   
"But.."  
"You stop right there Bellamy Blake, if you dare tell me that this was in any way your fault I will add another bruise to that pretty face of yours."   
"But Princess, it's true."  
"No. It's not. And every time you try to blame yourself for what happened you take the blame away from him and he is the only one to blame here. You understand me?"   
"I suppose I hadn't thought about it that way."  
"Well now you do so stop blaming yourself, there was nothing you or even I could have done. He is a sick man and if it wasn't me it could have been some other poor girl. Not everyone has a Raven Reyes in their life you know." He's quiet again for a while.  
"So you haven't, you know slept with anyone else or anything like that?" He asks, embarrassment evident in his voice. I laugh, just once.   
"You don't have to be so embarrassed it's an ok question to ask. No, I haven't been with anyone else."   
"But Princess you're almost twenty-four."   
"I know B, and I will. I just haven't trusted anyone enough to try yet."   
"What about kissing?" He asks, seeming bold by my truthful answer.   
"Once, I had an episode shortly after." He rises onto his elbow looking down at me.   
"Do you trust me?" He whispers, stroking the side of my face gently. My heart stutters but not from fear this time.   
"I don't trust anyone more." I sound breathless even to my own ears. He leans down a little closer  
"Can I give this back to you?" I nod slowly, not trusting my voice. He closes the small distance between our lips and I sigh when he makes contact. He starts out slow and gentle, apprehensive of my reaction. It's me that deepens the kiss, desperate for him to wash Finn away from me. Emboldened by my reaction Bellamy's hands start to move. One sliding down the side of my stomach to rest on my hip, kneading it. The other holds my neck securing me to him. He rolls on top of me and I break away gasping the panic rising, the weight being too familiar. Bellamy sits up, distancing himself from me. "I'm sorry." He says breathlessly. His chest rising and falling rapidly.   
"It's just the weight." I explain and move over a little on the bed. "Come here and lay on your back." I say, a plan already formulating in my mind. He gives me a funny look but does as he's told. I take a deep breath and straddle his hips. "Princess, what're you doing?" He tries to sit up and I push him back down.   
"Just shush for a second." He lies back down his hands coming to rest on my hips absentmindedly. "I need this Bellamy, but it has to be on my terms. I want you to wash his touch away. I don't mean to sleep with me if you don't want to but I need you to bring me back. I'm a prisoner in this body and I want you to give it back to me." I lean down and kiss his neck. He grips my hips tighter.   
"Princess, you have to promise to tell me to stop when your uncomfortable." I kiss his neck again and his hands move around to cup my backside. He squeezes and a pulse of pleasure shoots through me. I kiss up his jaw and lean back so I can see in his eyes. He looks at me with wonder and lust. He squeezes again. "Promise me. I can't do if you don't promise me."  
"I promise." I whisper. His hands slide up my body to my neck and he pulls me down for a kiss. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut train ahead!! 
> 
> This is my first attempt so be kind!!

He slides his hands up my neck and pulls me down for a kiss, angling my head just how he wants. Keeping his hands planted firmly on my neck he deepens the kiss. I know he is keeping his hands in a safe zone on purpose so without breaking the kiss i reach up and move one down to rest on my breast, squeezing his hand gently which in turn squeezes my breast. His moan makes my body tremble and his stills below me. I break the kiss just long enough to ensure him it was from pleasure not fear. The longer we kiss the braver both he and I feel, his hands roaming freely over my body. The feeling he elicits from me makes my heart squeeze but I refuse to think what this all could mean while it feels so good. Minutes pass before I decide I'm ready to move further. Breaking the kiss I lean back and look in his eyes. His pupils are dilated to the point that they're almost black and I can feel how hard he is beneath me. Ever so slowly, without breaking eye contact, I pull my shirt over my head and hold it scrunched up against my chest. Bellamy closes his eyes for a beat and then he sits up. I moan at the unexpected pleasure his new position brings and it pulls a groan from the back of his throat. I don't think I've ever heard a sexier sound. He reaches for my shirt and tosses it to the side. Splaying his fingers around my sides he shifts me slightly and I moan again. His grip on me hardens and I can see a vein in his neck throbbing. "When you said you did other stuff with Finn, what did you mean exactly?" His asks, his voice husky and low. His eyes never leave mine and it somehow keeps the embarrassment I thought I should feel at bay.   
"It was all pretty PG." I murmur, surprised at the huskiness of my own voice.  
"Yes, but what? I need to know Princess."   
"Just hand stuff." I say, moving my head down to kiss the side of his neck. His hands squeeze me once more before reaching behind me to unclasp my bra.   
"Did he ever see you naked with your permission?" I shake my head, my nose grazing his shoulder. He nods once, his fingers caressing the skin of my back. I push him back on the bed and slowly pull the straps of my bra down my arms and throw it on top of my already discarded shirt. His expression, as apprehensive as I feel, makes me bolder and grab both his hands placing them on my breasts. His eyes scrunch shut and I know he's having trouble restraining himself. "Bellamy," I breathe and he twitches beneath me, "Bell touch me please." I beg breathlessly and its like I've set him free. He surges up and kisses me with a passion I've never felt before. His hands palm my breasts and I can't help my long moan. He flips us over slowly and instead of rising panic at the weight between my legs I feel a warm flush of pleasure. He waits a second to see if I'm okay and then he rolls his hips. My neck arches and my mouth falls open in silent pleasure. He does it again and the feeling is just as exquisite. My hands reach up to pull off his shirt without consciously deciding to do so. He helps me pull the last of his shirt off and flings it to the side. He rolls his hips again and my hands rake down his chest as a result. I pull him so that we are chest to chest and kiss him deeply. His hips start to roll in a steady rhythm and he swallows every sound I make with his kiss. With one hand securing my face to his he reaches the other down to hitch my leg higher, the feeling indescribable. He kisses his way down my jaw to my neck, his breaths come out in hot pants against my already flushed skin. Wanting him to feel the kind of pleasure I am, I slide my hands down his torso to the waistband of his jeans. His rhythm falters and then picks up pace. I pop the first button and push the fly down and slide my hand beneath his underwear to palm him. His breath stutters out and I hear a small, "oh fuck" in my ear. I change my mind, that is the sexiest sound I've ever heard. I run my hand up and down him, loving the way he falters and his breath hitches. He stills my hand, resting his forehead against my neck. "You've got to stop Princess or I'm going to lose control and I can't do that with you right now." His voice impossibly deep and breathless. I start moving my hand again, his going slack against my wrist.  
"This is what I want Bell, lose yourself with me. Let me lose myself with you. Don't think..." My voice trails off when I feel him swell and then explode, groaning loudly in my ear and going completely lax on top of me. I lay there for a few seconds, a triumphant smile on my face before he leans back to peer at me. His cheeks are red and his breathing is still uneven. "This was supposed to be about you." He murmurs, his hand stroking my face.   
"This was better." I laugh, and his cheeks redden even more. He leans down and kisses me tenderly.   
"You say that now." He says into my neck. He starts to leave a trail of kisses down my neck to my collarbone. My breath hitches and I can feel him smile against my skin. He moves further down and takes my nipple in his mouth, sucking gently. My back arches and he releases me, leaning back to smirk at me. His look saying "you just wait". Leaning down again he blows on my already erect nipple and it hardens further. Satisfied with my response he kisses further down my torso and I still. "I've never..." I trail off. Bellamy looks up at me, his face sure.  
"Do you trust me?" He asks quietly. I nod and relax my body under his touch. He resumes his trail of kisses, each one leaving a burning feeling behind. When he reaches my leggings he doesn't pause, just slowly pulls them down my legs. The way he stares at my body, with a hunger I've never seen before, gives me more confidence than any words ever could. "Just trust me Princess, I'm going to make you feel so good." He says, slipping one hand beneath my cotton underwear. He rubs slow circles around my clit and I am unable to control the sounds coming from my mouth. I scrunch my eyes closed trying to absorb the feeling when he slips a finger inside and my back arches off the bed. I can feel something building inside me, something Finn never reached, never cared to reach. He continues to rub circles with his thumb but removes his fingers from inside me. Barely a second passes before he slides my underwear off and replaces his fingers with his tongue. The unexpected warmth of his mouth on my most intimate area draws out a long moan and I start to see stars from how hard I'm squeezing my eyes shut. My fingers fist in the sheet and a sheen of perspiration mists my skin. I can feel myself coming close to a free fall and I tell Bellamy as much. He starts to rub me harder his tongue darting in and out of my folds. He moves his thumb and sucks hard on my clit and it pushes me over the edge. I gasp at the sensation, back arching harshly and stop breathing for a few seconds. I fall flat on my back and take deep breaths. "Oh my god." I moan. I open my eyes to see Bellamy staring at me hungrily.   
"Clarke, have you never had an orgasm before?" He asks, no trace of amusement in his voice.  
"I thought I had." I reply breathlessly. "But I've never felt anything like that before, so I guess not." Bellamy groans and drops himself on top of me.   
"I have so much to show you." He whispers into my neck an I giggle. "I love that sound." He says, absentmindedly tracing patterns on my arm. For once I find myself loving the weight of someone on me, no trace of panic to be found. Maybe it's just because I love the man lying on me.   
"I love you." I whisper so quiet I'm not sure he could of heard me, but his small whisper back lets me know he did.   
"I love you too, always have, always will." I feel my eyelids grow heavy and shift so that we are spooning.   
"I'm just gonna take a nap okay. Don't leave" I mutter sleepily.   
"There's nowhere I'd rather be." Is that last the thing I hear before sleep pulls me under. 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you guys want me to continue... feedback of any kind is always welcome!


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